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Goodbye January
Hello January, it’s me again:
I’ve been really sad recently. Counting all these useless, repetitive steps in my head. I feel like I have so much going on all at once, feeling so overwhelmed. I imagine myself in a big, overgrown field of weeds and dark thoughts. I’m letting the wind and rain push my body down, the water droplets ricocheting into the soft soil. I don’t know where I’m at or where I want to go. In my head I’m always pulling myself apart, into 2 different directions. I let my mind wonder into the endless, draining repetition loop of deep thoughts and anxious thinking. It seems every January I fall down this rabbit whole. My brain seems to have a whole in it-self , I even bet if I got a cranial x-ray they would see what onlys left of my cranium. I’m always going down mindless rabbit wholes that lead me no where except back to the start. I’m always destroying myself from the inside out. I’m not sure why I keep doing this. Playing with my intrusive thoughts like cat and mouse. Don’t know if I’m the cat or I’m the mouse but either way I’m scared and I am feeling beat down into the earth. The rain keeps pelting me and my feet are covered in mud and grass clippings. I seem to not know where to look. I keep playing games with my internal consciousness. “Should I do this? Should I do that? What steps will I take. Will this action backfire on me?” I seem to not know where to walk out of this mind field I have created for myself. I can’t even concentrate somedays, I am barely getting by in this fucking freezing January cold. I almost lost my fingertips due to frost bite while walking to class yesterday . I can’t even find new sad music to listen to. It’s all the same music I’ve been listening to every same January. I don’t understand why I’m always second guessing myself, trying to destroy myself from the outside in. I over consume mindless content on the internet. I am starting to smoke to much and dive into deeper drugs. I try to call my family but it dosent seem enough to aid me in my worry. I go to therapy but it feels like I’m not getting anywhere, just stuck in the same place. Talking about the same experience and feelings and thoughts, over and over again. My mind is on a loop but I’m trying to jump ship. I just don’t know how to, if I jump I might drown but if I stay I’ll probably kill myself. Death is a permanent image in my brain but I don’t want to leave this earth. My shoulders and arms just feel heavy. My legs and my stomach just feels heavy. My body feels heavy and I can’t seem to get up right now. I’ve been struggling for so many years and it seems I still am. Only this time I have created my own worries and guilt. It follows me through the crevices of my brain whole. The rabbits whole I keep falling into, that I can not seem to escape. My brain is always looking for an exit, a survival method I have gotten used to over the years. I’m only 20 but mentally I feel 40. These cold, rainy, and isolating months take over my tired soul. I only feel like half a person. Half of me is trying to grasp the present, go to school, go to work, call my friends and family, smile and laugh like it’s all ok. But the other half of me is deeply struggling, I’m looking for a door I can’t walk back through. I’m looking for an exit that’s not in this reality. Wanting my brain to shut down to not deal with the feelings and thoughts I can not control. I just want to stay numb and drink and smoke and not do anything. Not work or sleep or smile. Just to be able to lay in my bed and rot and do drugs and escape. That’s all I want to do right now, shut down and escape my body. I didn’t know being grounded was such a struggle for me. These past few years living in delusion to not live in a world I don’t even enjoy. I’m not happy here in this room with these random people. I just want to sleep or disappear into the covers of my twin XL bed. I just want some peace. I need my brain to stop playing mind games with itself. I need my brain to cry correctly and to be sad on days where it’s not effecting me every dam day. I need my brain to tell me I’m safe and I’m warm and I’m ok. But I don’t feel ok, not one bit. Right now I feel like I’m standing in a field of dead grass, dead dreams; and anxiety racing thoughts. The rain and wind is coming down on me. I am being covered in cold water and mud. I don’t know how long I can survive here to I’ll fall apart. Or untill I fall down another rabbit whole.
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I’ve been really sad recently. Counting all these useless, repetitive steps in my head. I feel like I have so much going on all at once, feeling so overwhelmed. I imagine myself in a big, overgrown field of weeds and dark thoughts. I’m letting the wind and rain push my body down, the water droplets ricocheting into the soft soil. I don’t know where I’m at or where I want to go. In my head I’m always pulling myself apart, into 2 different directions. I let my mind wonder into the endless, draining repetition loop of deep thoughts and anxious thinking. It seems every January I fall down this rabbit whole. My brain seems to have a whole in it-self , I even bet if I got a cranial x-ray they would see what onlys left of my cranium. I’m always going down mindless rabbit wholes that lead me no where except back to the start. I’m always destroying myself from the inside out. I’m not sure why I keep doing this. Playing with my intrusive thoughts like cat and mouse. Don’t know if I’m the cat or I’m the mouse but either way I’m scared and I am feeling beat down into the earth. The rain keeps pelting me and my feet are covered in mud and grass clippings. I seem to not know where to look. I keep playing games with my internal consciousness. “Should I do this? Should I do that? What steps will I take. Will this action backfire on me?” I seem to not know where to walk out of this mind field I have created for myself. I can’t even concentrate somedays, I am barely getting by in this fucking freezing January cold. I almost lost my fingertips due to frost bite while walking to class yesterday . I can’t even find new sad music to listen to. It’s all the same music I’ve been listening to every same January. I don’t understand why I’m always second guessing myself, trying to destroy myself from the outside in. I over consume mindless content on the internet. I am starting to smoke to much and dive into deeper drugs. I try to call my family but it dosent seem enough to aid me in my worry. I go to therapy but it feels like I’m not getting anywhere, just stuck in the same place. Talking about the same experience and feelings and thoughts, over and over again. My mind is on a loop but I’m trying to jump ship. I just don’t know how to, if I jump I might drown but if I stay I’ll probably kill myself. Death is a permanent image in my brain but I don’t want to leave this earth. My shoulders and arms just feel heavy. My legs and my stomach just feels heavy. My body feels heavy and I can’t seem to get up right now. I’ve been struggling for so many years and it seems I still am. Only this time I have created my own worries and guilt. It follows me through the crevices of my brain whole. The rabbits whole I keep falling into, that I can not seem to escape. My brain is always looking for an exit, a survival method I have gotten used to over the years. I’m only 20 but mentally I feel 40. These cold, rainy, and isolating months take over my tired soul. I only feel like half a person. Half of me is trying to grasp the present, go to school, go to work, call my friends and family, smile and laugh like it’s all ok. But the other half of me is deeply struggling, I’m looking for a door I can’t walk back through. I’m looking for an exit that’s not in this reality. Wanting my brain to shut down to not deal with the feelings and thoughts I can not control. I just want to stay numb and drink and smoke and not do anything. Not work or sleep or smile. Just to be able to lay in my bed and rot and do drugs and escape. That’s all I want to do right now, shut down and escape my body. I didn’t know being grounded was such a struggle for me. These past few years living in delusion to not live in a world I don’t even enjoy. I’m not happy here in this room with these random people. I just want to sleep or disappear into the covers of my twin XL bed. I just want some peace. I need my brain to stop playing mind games with itself. I need my brain to cry correctly and to be sad on days where it’s not effecting me every dam day. I need my brain to tell me I’m safe and I’m warm and I’m ok. But I don’t feel ok, not one bit. Right now I feel like I’m standing in a field of dead grass, dead dreams; and anxiety racing thoughts. The rain and wind is coming down on me. I am being covered in cold water and mud. I don’t know how long I can survive here to I’ll fall apart. Or untill I fall down another rabbit whole.
© All Rights Reserved
