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Endings
#YearEndEchoes
Endings are always a sober time to reflect on the journey so far. How we started, where we missed our way, lessons we learned, heart aches we've had to grow through and so much more. For me though, 2023 is beyond an outer reflection, it's more of an introspection.
I think the most memorable aspect of this whole year for me was the career struggles. In hindsight, it was all a part of the big picture but in that moment, going through it, there was no way to make a holistic sense of things beyond motivational speeches and quotes here and there.
Nothing is as frustrating as desiring something so badly, you sleep and wake with thoughts of it circulating your brain and yet in reality you cannot grasp it. It's always dangled within your reach to keep you hopeful but when you stretch out your hands to grab a hold of it, it slips through your fingers only to dance right back before your eyes, an ever deranging cycle.
When I think back on the year now, I realize I was lost for most of the year. For someone whose name quite literally means believing in the impossible without doubt, I've struggled with doubt and questioning my self confidence a lot this year and to think I was the root cause of my suffering... I guess it's always darkest close to the light and we rarely see our own faults.
Contentment, it's crazy how that one word handles a whole lot without being big or proud. I lost my contentment this year and I chased dreams so badly I didn't even have a thorough understanding of the things I desired any longer, I just wanted my desires met without truly caring how it came about and that built dreams and fantasies that wouldn't let me be which brought me all the way from discontentment to ingratitude and complaining.
When I compare 2022 and 2023, with the light I've seen now, it's so clear to see where I went astray this year. Last year was a year of gratitude and contentment with no complacency either and a bucket load of confidence that was unwavering in God whereas this year, this was a year of selfish desires, blindness to the blessings I already had, complaints because I could only see what I didn't have yet, continuously questioning my self confidence and doubting every day whether things would work out... it's ridiculous to think that I thought this was going to result in success.
Berating myself is not the intent of this reflection however. It's to identify errors and rectify them. Having desires isn't a bad thing but that should have been tampered with gratitude for that which I already have and in expectation of that which is to come. Then, contentment without complacency, I may not be where I want to be yet but I am glad and grateful for where I am right now. Both virtues would make for a most successful new year.
I am grateful for seeing the light and coming to terms with where things went wrong, my mental health suffered, my emotions were all over the place, I felt like I was drowning with no direction, I could barely hold on to one state of feeling for a while before it switched up again, I met great people, I learned lessons, my heart was broken, my hopes were crushed time and again, my confidence was broken, built and battered time after time, I discovered insecurities I never knew I had and I found out what it felt like to feel less than enough, I struggled with forgiveness again, kept losing the fight against bitterness, resentment and anger, I rediscovered hate and anger enough to choke a man, I couldn't find relief even in the midst of my tears, I loved and I lost, I got hurt again and again and I learned to swallow my tongue than cut up folks with it's knife, I burned with unfulfilled desires and I envied the lives of others because dissatisfaction was like lead in my bones, I wanted more so badly all I could see was more and not the enough I had on hand, I lived above my means and pulled myself back to financial servitude, a level God had taken me from and yet it was never enough. My spiritual life suffered a cold season, prayer was work, praise even harder except in public for then the fire of others could resurrect mine and I could feel spiritually alright but deep down the void was staring me in the eye, a bleeding piece of me I couldn't forget. It seemed nothing was ever enough and I guess letting it all go was a good wake up call.
2023 was a test in all kinds of horrors for me but I'm grateful I survived and I've seen the light. I'm not among those lost to the wild and God has restored me back like the prodigal son to the light and His glory.
© Amanah SaaisSaais
@Priya004 @AtulPurohit
Endings are always a sober time to reflect on the journey so far. How we started, where we missed our way, lessons we learned, heart aches we've had to grow through and so much more. For me though, 2023 is beyond an outer reflection, it's more of an introspection.
I think the most memorable aspect of this whole year for me was the career struggles. In hindsight, it was all a part of the big picture but in that moment, going through it, there was no way to make a holistic sense of things beyond motivational speeches and quotes here and there.
Nothing is as frustrating as desiring something so badly, you sleep and wake with thoughts of it circulating your brain and yet in reality you cannot grasp it. It's always dangled within your reach to keep you hopeful but when you stretch out your hands to grab a hold of it, it slips through your fingers only to dance right back before your eyes, an ever deranging cycle.
When I think back on the year now, I realize I was lost for most of the year. For someone whose name quite literally means believing in the impossible without doubt, I've struggled with doubt and questioning my self confidence a lot this year and to think I was the root cause of my suffering... I guess it's always darkest close to the light and we rarely see our own faults.
Contentment, it's crazy how that one word handles a whole lot without being big or proud. I lost my contentment this year and I chased dreams so badly I didn't even have a thorough understanding of the things I desired any longer, I just wanted my desires met without truly caring how it came about and that built dreams and fantasies that wouldn't let me be which brought me all the way from discontentment to ingratitude and complaining.
When I compare 2022 and 2023, with the light I've seen now, it's so clear to see where I went astray this year. Last year was a year of gratitude and contentment with no complacency either and a bucket load of confidence that was unwavering in God whereas this year, this was a year of selfish desires, blindness to the blessings I already had, complaints because I could only see what I didn't have yet, continuously questioning my self confidence and doubting every day whether things would work out... it's ridiculous to think that I thought this was going to result in success.
Berating myself is not the intent of this reflection however. It's to identify errors and rectify them. Having desires isn't a bad thing but that should have been tampered with gratitude for that which I already have and in expectation of that which is to come. Then, contentment without complacency, I may not be where I want to be yet but I am glad and grateful for where I am right now. Both virtues would make for a most successful new year.
I am grateful for seeing the light and coming to terms with where things went wrong, my mental health suffered, my emotions were all over the place, I felt like I was drowning with no direction, I could barely hold on to one state of feeling for a while before it switched up again, I met great people, I learned lessons, my heart was broken, my hopes were crushed time and again, my confidence was broken, built and battered time after time, I discovered insecurities I never knew I had and I found out what it felt like to feel less than enough, I struggled with forgiveness again, kept losing the fight against bitterness, resentment and anger, I rediscovered hate and anger enough to choke a man, I couldn't find relief even in the midst of my tears, I loved and I lost, I got hurt again and again and I learned to swallow my tongue than cut up folks with it's knife, I burned with unfulfilled desires and I envied the lives of others because dissatisfaction was like lead in my bones, I wanted more so badly all I could see was more and not the enough I had on hand, I lived above my means and pulled myself back to financial servitude, a level God had taken me from and yet it was never enough. My spiritual life suffered a cold season, prayer was work, praise even harder except in public for then the fire of others could resurrect mine and I could feel spiritually alright but deep down the void was staring me in the eye, a bleeding piece of me I couldn't forget. It seemed nothing was ever enough and I guess letting it all go was a good wake up call.
2023 was a test in all kinds of horrors for me but I'm grateful I survived and I've seen the light. I'm not among those lost to the wild and God has restored me back like the prodigal son to the light and His glory.
© Amanah SaaisSaais
@Priya004 @AtulPurohit
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