[+18 Trigger warnings: implied SA. Not my best writing, but it is one that is pulled directly from my insides, raw and bleeding. I might redraft later. 💜]

I appreciate you.

You, with eyes of shadow, black holes,
a story, a mystery, soul-concealed,
who laughs in modesty, hiding misery,
drowning beneath the numb tide.

You, the sole lamp so all can see and never know the dark,
who speaks in three tongues,
undervalued, pure humanity.

************

Me, I tried to belong to someone once, twice, thrice.
They hugged, squeezing too tight until my insides came out
Sometimes they poked me
Sometimes they dazzled me with flowers
I became a tube to fill or crush
A source - a wishing well - for romantic men

Me, unhappy
Me, a heartbreaker

Them, thoughtless, gentle, niave.
Brought me gifts, to hoard in my depression cave
Told me I'm weird, they "liked it",
in truth they just put up with it,
ignored me.

Them, "you didn't say no"
Me, "I did say no, not loud enough. The No Fairy could not hear my yells."

Them, "I love you (note: don't break my heart)"
Me, "I don't know how to love you. I can only see sanctuary, alone as I am"

Them, "why do you cry. You make me so happy."
Me, "I don't know how to tell you but I can't love, no matter if you are a prince or a pea"

************

Me, learning from three.
I was isolated, trying to love the men my dad wanted me to be.
Me as he, musically imaginative, no emptiness between my legs - a lack of talent.

************

Now that you know my tale...

How can you not see our friendship is love enough?

Infatuation and romance does not need to be the path to connection.
I cannot be bought with money, romance, or sex
If you will not love me as something greater than the feelings you harbour,
I beg you:
leave.

© Eva Irvine