I told the stanger in the room upstairs I would be coming soon
why did I feel more at ease, why did I think I would be more at peace up there?
I wanted to feel that feeling, that serotonin
That chemical that gets me into all this trouble
I try to be quiet as I gather my stuff to walk out the door
I wake someone up, they ask where I’m going
it’s obvious
I say the bathroom but I’m carrying a blanket and a pillow
and my shoes
I’m barefoot
I close the door
I climb the green stairs, with their green bumps barefoot
the blanket another stranger gave me brushes each step as I climb up
I’m not thinking about why he wants me there, not really…
Im thinking about the feeling, how good if feels
how I want it to feel real
I’m thinking about how I want him to kiss me, cuddle me, make me feel wanted
it’s 3 am and Im at his door
he opens it
I fall asleep in his bed
at first we face away from one another, over the night we get closer and closer
our faces merely touching
my breath against his face
the sun shines through and I hear him get up, he comes back.
we’re so close
I close my eyes again and open them to him staring at me
it’s awkward
it’s not how I imagined it to be
its not right
me sharing his bed in the night
it’s not what I thought it was
time goes on and he makes his move
I figured he would
he puts his arm around me, we hold each other tight
and then we’re kissing
and he’s not even a good kisser
our lips are dry from the alcohol
it doesn’t taste good, it’s sour
i pretend I like it
I don’t
I’m numb
I feel nothing, it’s like my body and soul disconnected
it was just me going through the familiar actions
then it was over
and I’m home in bed now
it’s the next night
and I wish I could have a do over
but you don’t get those in life. so you better be careful
you better stay yourself and don’t do what I did that night
all I can do now is pray, realize I made the mistake and that I can’t take it back
I can learn from it
never to do it again
I’ve learned
I already knew though
but I’ve learned to not just give in
to fight the urge to feel a stupid feeling
it’s not worth it at all
I wrote this for myself
to get over
to try to get over
my mistakes
tomorrow is another new day
breath in deep
breath out
everything will be okay
~Ava Stevens