I am my own worst critic
I find so many fake emotions to hide behind to mimic
There's a brokeness a pain filled life
The assumption that I'm a good mother and wife
Another assumption that I've been privileged in my life
Life beat me and wore me down
Often there's a vacancy not a soul around
Maybe you think I'm being dramatic
Maybe you think I'm Karen
Or you just don't care
This is one of the reasons I tucked things away and stopped sharing
I once tried to be giving
I had open heart
But life the monster it is tore me apart
There were times I was hungry exhausted and scared
Often ignored not seen knowing no one cared
I lifted myself up day after day hoping to God things wouldn't be the same
Trying to find someone to just confide
Slowly realizing they had agendas to hide
Maybe I'm bitter
Maybe I'm in a perpetual winter
I'm tired of being used
I'm tired of all the abuse
Broken as a child I hid it for years
Not saying what he did to me and hiding all my tears
Then I met the man who used and abused
He abandoned me made me long for a rapid death
Still I pulled myself up when "friends" around me no longer remained
No one really understands all the shame
I rose from the ashes grabbing them in my fist
No longer caring if he would ever be missed
I grew stronger but very cold and hard
Crawling and overcoming the poverty I was abandoned in.
I bit my lip and didn't care if there was blood on my lip
I didn't care anymore what the world thought or how hard it hit.
I nursed my mom for the most part alone
The battle that came was one in my mind I fought alone
The guilt ate at me
It shaped me
I honestly was bitter for years
I didn't want to hear people's "sorrys" or see their fake tears
I hated myself and honestly still do
Then betrayal felt like it came again
I think the last piece of glass of my heart broke
I scream in the cave of my mind:" Is there ever really hope?"
My thoughts are always a resounding " Nope."
I've masked pain and nursed it pushed away starting from the age of eight
I don't want your sorry and I don't care if you hate
I don't care if you believe me
I don't care if you don't see me
I don't want your love
I learned to hide away
In honesty though I know these are lies I've convinced myself to take
It's how I move forward it's how I break out of this cave of self destructing hate
I'm a phoenix at heart
and no I'm not going to be fragile crack and break
© Isabel Page