I started dating a guy at a very young age, unbelievably the date went on conquering all the possible obstacles. Distance played a hard part well even that didn't break us, it did but we patched up every single time we met in person. We were kids, I mean what would you call a 13years old and a 16years old dating and planning for future. Years passed by, family got involved, that obstical took minimal two years to sort. Every thing seemed well 'great' I must say! The guy got into some work and I was busy with my studies. We fought often a lot like 'miserably a lot'. Yet, we made amends with our relationship every night at 11 because that's when he had time for me after the long tiring day. I was naive and completely dependent on him well, I still am. I was assured that we would get married after my graduation even though I told him I would get a job first but, why lie to myself. Since, I was clueless about my life. All I could think of was becoming his bride and sorting our future. Oh! I still wonder, but I was a kid what else would you expect. He loved me, because the meaning of love was mere love.

But things started to take a turn when I entered college. I realised I have a life, I began debating I began writing, I began doing things my way. Sadly, I never found his support . I cant blame him our worlds are poles apart or may I should because no matter what happens you support the girl you love!!! Eventually, I started breaking out of that perpetual cocoon of becoming someone's wife. My mind grew wider, my childish fantasies shattered, and I began doing things the way I wanted to. Then, things started to cramble in our bond. Our thoughts contradict, his manly emotions grew and I was disgusted by it, I had a complete different mind-set and he was no where included in it. Crazy, but I, who told him everything when we started dating began losing interest in him and hiding things from him. He would usually get annoyed because of my behaviour which he called annoying. And I would get annoyed because he never understood me, he never wanted to see the change in me. He said, "he wanted to" but emotions speaks louder then words when you have grown up together.

Feeling were getting hazed, emotions unlike before were changing, voices became annoying, video calls became useless, all in all we began loosing each other. Now all we have is a mere bond because of our parents, and there is this thing about 'not wanting to breakup with him' but 'can't live with him pertaining to the situation we are in'. We made promises we ought to keep, but I cant see ourselves happy until one sacrifices their future. I would, if the tag of "live for yourself" didn't strike my mind every time I thought of going back.

I had such a strong bond with him that am scared what if I don't find someone like him in my future. I don't want to loose him out of all people because of some selfish motif. But that guilt of losing either of them will forever be engraved in my soul. Life is too short to rejuvenate painful memories. But am stuck in that confused lane that makes no sense.

Am still in college and this whole ride took in the span of 8years. And you know what's further annoying, I might just get to him and our relationship at any moment because I fucking tell every guy hitting on me that "Am engaged".

#conflict #love #lesson #pain #life #philosophy
#myself
@selfrealise