I'm not a poet
Not so great with words.
But these words they suffocate
my heart, it hurts.
Shadows of my past haunting,
My head, it's going to burst.

I'll tell you my story,
A girl so shy and lonely.
She loved to run and climb,
For a girl, not so girly.
But elders tried to mold,
They were being very nosy.

Momma said let's go shopping,
Decorate your hair, wear a dress.
Nana said get a man,
Throw your dreams and don't stress.
Controlled like puppet for my gender,
I hated men, I confess.

Not all boys are evil, I know
Some are good friends of mine.
But I don't trust many,
They mock me since I was nine.
Hate the control and restrain,
For me, relationships aren't fine.

Those elders shoved to my ears,
That I am pretty trophy to be pampered.
I fight, and kick, and bite,
Sick of being restrained.
Those piercing judgment screeches,
Gives me endless nights of migrain.

These cursed hormones they kicked,
These boys started to look pretty.
But when I offer my heart,
Lost a part of my dignity.
It feels so good,
Yet it feels like agony.

It started with the fairies of lines,
My sweetheart, I called Kai.
A mirage boy, with gentle voice,
His eyes like the morning sky.
No one could see him,
But I know he's nearby.

A cowboy with crooked nose,
A pretty man with ebony hair.
A funny-faced gentleman,
Thereafter, the best one's there.
A sassy vampire,
I can't help to stare.

Along the journey,
It isn't all fluff.
My filthy mind and twisted head,
I've done unspeakable stuff.
Those I called 'dear',
I've treated them rough.

Thinking of fangirls,
You see those squeaky teens.
Who wants Justin's baby,
When they're thirteen.
It's different in my case,
It's not how it's been.

Now a new guy's here,
John is his name.
A talented humble one,
despite of his fame.
But this new round,
Like the old days, they're the same.

I don't treat my pets with care,
rather I toss them around.
I tied them to a chair,
When they cried I felt proud.
The begging, them whimpering,
What a pleasant sound.

But love, I have changed,
The monster was long dead, I thought.
But then Nana knocked on my door,
The 'you're a man trophy' thing she brought.
I snapped, tried to grain control,
The ringing voices I fought.

You looked so delicious, dear
After what that witch said.
I want to tear you apart,
Those warm blood, let them shed.
But I swore to stop,
To the devil I plead.

Days of sleepless night,
As the flame engulfs.
Anger and thirst,
I want to indulge.
But I lost the fight,
I've had enough.

At the chair you are strapped,
shackles on your feet.
I came with blood in my hand,
As you stared in defeat.
Reminder of those I killed,
And all my deeds.

It is your turn today,
For my desire and fury.
Pain and joy mixes,
It was fun but scary.
Guilt was buried in pleasure,
To see you in tears, weary.

I pondered to myself,
Why again?
More victims on the list,
My claws with more stain.
What was the cause and reason,
For my twisted brain?

The answer shone brighter then sun,
When I looked back what the elders say.
Bow your head down to the alphas,
Serve them till the end of your day.
You are their kind, so I left you out,
For the rain to wash your tears away.

You're one of them,
Yet I cherish you.
My heart I gave you,
But I don't want to.
I knocked you down, put you in place,
Thought you're not evil, that I knew.

The sky-blue diva,
The greasy haired singer.
Now fallen to these claws,
The mocha-eyed drummer.
No way to turn back for this damned,
I have lost ot, a goner.

I love you,
But I hate you.
I trust you,
But I doubt you.
Who are you? Do I even know you?
Am I better off without you?

If I have a dying wish,
Call Greg and John to come.
Let them see all I am,
The devil I've come to succumb.
Would they forgive me,
Would they toss me to slum?

In the mirror I saw a beast,
To John I offered the gun.
Pull the trigger, I begged,
I can't bear what I have done.
Go fetch Greg and be gone,
But you stayed, why don't you run?

Of course they can't you fool!
They don't even know you.
Miles apart, never saw your face
Out there with their own lives too.
Whatever wreck that's in your head,
They have not a single clue.

It's all in the head,
But the guilt is real.
Knowing I waged war against men,
It's so wrong, that's how I feel.
My messed up mind petrifies me,
Though really, no one was killed.

My dear idols,
I was inspired.
Greg and John,
You guys I admire.
But the bitter in my heart,
Sets my vengeful soul on fire.

I used the ones that I hold dear,
As punching bags for all my fears.
I'm just a brat, insecured and scared,
Who's choking on her wasteful tears.
Hate the bloody cycle I'm locked in,
I wish it's end is coming near.

Why can't I just appreciate someone,
For the talents and heart they posess.
But to treat them as a toy,
To break them down, I'm obsessed.
Compared to all the other fans,
My brain, it is a mess.

#rant #fandom #bandom #conflict #mentalstruggle #genderroles #hatred #guilt #confusion #fangirl #crush #hate