I forget a lot of things –
I lose my keys, my phone, pens, pets
Sometimes kids, definitely their names
Meetings, appointments, opportunities
What I’m going to say in the middle of saying it
My mind every other hour
My shit even moreso
And I also forget how to breathe

BREATHE IN…BREATHE OUT…BREATHE IN…BREATHE OUT

I…CANT…BREATHE

I overthink, overstand
I feel too much, I can’t turn off my mind
Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere
What time do my kids get home from school today
When is the last time he texted me –
Is he with some other bitch
Did I take the pictures of the cabinets
What is that charge out of my account
Yes, this is Jasmine Sims, I’d like to arrange
A payment arrangement
I DID respond to those emails

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT

My anxiety clutches my stomach in a vice
Two fists, big hands
And you know what that means
Life is packing enough to give it to you
Like it or not
I…can’t…breathe
I talk too fast,
Something crashes upstairs

BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT

My daughters yelling at each other

BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT

The baby crying,
Is my milk coming in? I have
So much caffeine in me I could light up Phoenix
But I have to stay awake
Things have to get done
Have to push through

I…CANT…BREATHE

So tired
Have to keep going
You have to do better
I’m trying – I’m trying – I’m trying
Not good enough
I’m sorry
Sorry doesn’t cut it

I…CANT…BREATHE

Come to the notebook to write
Dump out these words, get them
Out of my mind and into space
And they jump out of me,
The purge within me, everything trying to escape
The trauma
The abuse
The triggers
The paper littered with blood and
Ash, gun smoke and strewn about swords
I am the battlefield and the prize

I…CAN'T...BREATHE

Laying on the yoga mat and they say
Breathe deeply
Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out
Rewind
Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out
Rewind
Until my breath can push past the pain in my chest
Past the loneliness, the despair
The shame…past the regrets
Past all of the should have beens
Even past the love I have for my children
Where the good in my life hides

Where I forget until I remember
The smell of my baby’s bodies
When they first leave mine
My mother’s sauce – the stuffed shells
The smell of rain in the air
The smell of his cologne

I…CAN…BREATHE

And with breath comes hope
That while the stress is there
Choking me – and not the way I like it
When my heart is clutched
In the fist of the everyday
When my children are fighting
And my bills are mounting
And the phone keeps ringing
And the email notifications keep popping up
In the midst of the chaos and neverending bad luck
In the midst of everything breaking

I breathe in the hope, I breathe out the despair
I breathe in the faith, I breathe out the shame
I breathe in the forgiveness, I breathe out the apathy

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT, BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT.
© byjaztaihreen