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MOMENTS OF SILENCE
Days with him were awesome and fun, not to mention the few things I learnt from him and this made me even think that's what I deserved, I've been proud before of my choices but not like I was at that moment.
Though I still had the fear in me of fully accepting that he had become part of my life, I couldn't control this no more and thought that was for the best. We were just fine, I having lost those people close to me not that they wronged me but I have a tendency of not entertaining anyone while I'm in love it's always about me and my partner.
You know happiness is short lived coz some how there's always something to ruin every best moment.
Have you ever been used to someone, everything revolves about you and him, most free moments spent was with him, thinking of him? That's what literally happened to me, I wanted to have the best of out of the moment, out of the moment bearing in mind he would leave soon to his place of work- wanting to have memories enough to keep me warm and close when he was gone.
It all dawned that bad day and silence struck between us reason not known to me but him,
.......
MOMENTS OF SILENCE.
Day one of silence drove me insane, trying to sleep but I couldn't, preventing tears from falling, tears that were soo bitter and I couldn't hold back anymore.
Day two tried consolation from music but none worked my way, tried getting in touch with him and ask what happened but only for him to read my texts and Lea e them unanswered. This even hurt me the most and breaking the remaining hope I had. All I hoped for at the moment was that one text or call from him but......
At this moment, I started cursing days I met him, moments we shared, but this was just one person in me speaking. We all have two speaking voices in us that's the heart and mind and this time my mind was speaking.
We went days more days, no call, no texts and all I could say- I wish I knew this was another short lived moment.
I'm nagging while I focus on someone and this time, decided trying my luck, called him questioning him about the sudden change and this time he answered " I'm just going through a dark moment, once it's done, I'll let you know." his answer was short and precise. I never gave room for positive thoughts and my next worry was,
Who am I to him?
I'm I such a destruction he has to put me aside to sort his issues?
If he finds me one, why then have me around him?
Previously, he had said that he would love me not attending his matches saying " the reason I chose a girl away from the playing world, is the fields have a lot and I would prefer her watching only the games that really meant a lot to me." this now matched with his sudden change.
Is he hiding anything from me?
Why can't he come out clean and ill be fine? I thought.
Not mention me not watch him play really broke my heart, yes I watched him play once, it was fun and same time bitter having known there are people hating on him.
I had no option but adjust to the new mood. My heart wouldn't let go of the memories and every good mood he put me into and wanted to give him benefit of doubt, on the other hand, my mind spoke of its well, it's for the better. But literally it felt like I had known him for the past 4 years. I was soo broken bearing in mind that I had known him for a short time and as you know short lived relationships hurt more than long term relationships and this was one.
Literally, everyone I give myself to, I left a piece of me and this time I was missing lots of bits from the whole this drained me even more than the thought of his silence.
Some girl told me " the moment you learn that intimacy meant nothing to you, then you will be free, you will have fun and never hurt." How does this happen? Give myself to someone and just let go? To me, intimacy feels like a short love poem sent to my body and am glad It protects me from a lot of bad decisions but this time, it's like I failed Terribly.
I cried but for how long was I to while in real sense he's having best of his moments?
I stalked him, every moment I found myself on his pages, each corner I knew I would grab information about him, I watched his previously played games well if this apps got notifications of when one last visited their page, well I guess he enjoyed the torture he was putting me through or maybe I was the one beating myself up on things I wouldn't control. I wrote bitter letters directed to him but I still felt not comfortable.
They say time is the best healer, to be honest, this was one heck of a time, gambling between the heart and the mind. I have never been so broken like I was those days, I hoped I would take charge and live my best but a lady in love.......
I worked so hard to change the narrative that he had most of my time for him and I didn't want to feel lonely as earlier said, I had actually left my friends company. I was lost but I had to recover sooner before more damage was done to myself.
Have you ever used someone as a pone, an escape plan?? Well this was my first strategy to get back on my feet.
............
ESCAPE PLAN
To the affected parties, I'm sorry..
I chose a perfect pone for myself, well I once had chemistry between us, to be honest I still loved him, thoughts of us having a happy ever after had begun fading, drifting away from him but I never want him away from me, he's rescued me in a lot I call him my loyal past. For him, he's nice, amazing but hes never sure of what he wants and this made me feel insecure around him and I personally decided it's best we had some time away from each other.
And this time he was perfect for the task, he had to come in and make me feel better if not fine.
*OLIVE SHIKU*
He served a great deal though most times are when I was lost and my mind would literally wish the situation was different. Well I was making progress i had begun forgetting his memories reviving the old ones for me not to feel lonely but still could find myself check on him, his pages. It was a heck of a time. I didn't believe in failure, losing but this time I couldn't hold on any longer, leaving hurt and staying hurt e even more.
Everything was perfect until that day he got in touch with me, maybe I waited for the moment eagerly, that single text made me feel alive again, some part of me Had risen from the shattered ones.
If I recall the occurrence well, I smiled and the lady I am, walking hand in hand with my ego I gave replies as if I wasn't interested enough to demolish a wanting soul especially for the weak hearted. He said he was gonna call, I waited for it for days but to no avail and there I was questioning my actions previously I hated myself for that.
I let my ego slide abit and gave him a call, well he wasn't that heartless he answered my calls but it felt like he was interested but you know what, that was a big baby step I made. His voice alone made me smile and wish I just had another moment to say how much I missed him.
At the moment I had put aside his ill treatments and focused on me smiling again.
Little did I know it was just for a moment and kept wondering, why then get in touch again after all those days away if you weren't staying? Or did I scare him away with my replies? Again back to that same lone moment. I loved him and still do but does he feel the same for me or am I just an entertainer to make his stay memorable??
..........
© Olive shiku
Though I still had the fear in me of fully accepting that he had become part of my life, I couldn't control this no more and thought that was for the best. We were just fine, I having lost those people close to me not that they wronged me but I have a tendency of not entertaining anyone while I'm in love it's always about me and my partner.
You know happiness is short lived coz some how there's always something to ruin every best moment.
Have you ever been used to someone, everything revolves about you and him, most free moments spent was with him, thinking of him? That's what literally happened to me, I wanted to have the best of out of the moment, out of the moment bearing in mind he would leave soon to his place of work- wanting to have memories enough to keep me warm and close when he was gone.
It all dawned that bad day and silence struck between us reason not known to me but him,
.......
MOMENTS OF SILENCE.
Day one of silence drove me insane, trying to sleep but I couldn't, preventing tears from falling, tears that were soo bitter and I couldn't hold back anymore.
Day two tried consolation from music but none worked my way, tried getting in touch with him and ask what happened but only for him to read my texts and Lea e them unanswered. This even hurt me the most and breaking the remaining hope I had. All I hoped for at the moment was that one text or call from him but......
At this moment, I started cursing days I met him, moments we shared, but this was just one person in me speaking. We all have two speaking voices in us that's the heart and mind and this time my mind was speaking.
We went days more days, no call, no texts and all I could say- I wish I knew this was another short lived moment.
I'm nagging while I focus on someone and this time, decided trying my luck, called him questioning him about the sudden change and this time he answered " I'm just going through a dark moment, once it's done, I'll let you know." his answer was short and precise. I never gave room for positive thoughts and my next worry was,
Who am I to him?
I'm I such a destruction he has to put me aside to sort his issues?
If he finds me one, why then have me around him?
Previously, he had said that he would love me not attending his matches saying " the reason I chose a girl away from the playing world, is the fields have a lot and I would prefer her watching only the games that really meant a lot to me." this now matched with his sudden change.
Is he hiding anything from me?
Why can't he come out clean and ill be fine? I thought.
Not mention me not watch him play really broke my heart, yes I watched him play once, it was fun and same time bitter having known there are people hating on him.
I had no option but adjust to the new mood. My heart wouldn't let go of the memories and every good mood he put me into and wanted to give him benefit of doubt, on the other hand, my mind spoke of its well, it's for the better. But literally it felt like I had known him for the past 4 years. I was soo broken bearing in mind that I had known him for a short time and as you know short lived relationships hurt more than long term relationships and this was one.
Literally, everyone I give myself to, I left a piece of me and this time I was missing lots of bits from the whole this drained me even more than the thought of his silence.
Some girl told me " the moment you learn that intimacy meant nothing to you, then you will be free, you will have fun and never hurt." How does this happen? Give myself to someone and just let go? To me, intimacy feels like a short love poem sent to my body and am glad It protects me from a lot of bad decisions but this time, it's like I failed Terribly.
I cried but for how long was I to while in real sense he's having best of his moments?
I stalked him, every moment I found myself on his pages, each corner I knew I would grab information about him, I watched his previously played games well if this apps got notifications of when one last visited their page, well I guess he enjoyed the torture he was putting me through or maybe I was the one beating myself up on things I wouldn't control. I wrote bitter letters directed to him but I still felt not comfortable.
They say time is the best healer, to be honest, this was one heck of a time, gambling between the heart and the mind. I have never been so broken like I was those days, I hoped I would take charge and live my best but a lady in love.......
I worked so hard to change the narrative that he had most of my time for him and I didn't want to feel lonely as earlier said, I had actually left my friends company. I was lost but I had to recover sooner before more damage was done to myself.
Have you ever used someone as a pone, an escape plan?? Well this was my first strategy to get back on my feet.
............
ESCAPE PLAN
To the affected parties, I'm sorry..
I chose a perfect pone for myself, well I once had chemistry between us, to be honest I still loved him, thoughts of us having a happy ever after had begun fading, drifting away from him but I never want him away from me, he's rescued me in a lot I call him my loyal past. For him, he's nice, amazing but hes never sure of what he wants and this made me feel insecure around him and I personally decided it's best we had some time away from each other.
And this time he was perfect for the task, he had to come in and make me feel better if not fine.
*OLIVE SHIKU*
He served a great deal though most times are when I was lost and my mind would literally wish the situation was different. Well I was making progress i had begun forgetting his memories reviving the old ones for me not to feel lonely but still could find myself check on him, his pages. It was a heck of a time. I didn't believe in failure, losing but this time I couldn't hold on any longer, leaving hurt and staying hurt e even more.
Everything was perfect until that day he got in touch with me, maybe I waited for the moment eagerly, that single text made me feel alive again, some part of me Had risen from the shattered ones.
If I recall the occurrence well, I smiled and the lady I am, walking hand in hand with my ego I gave replies as if I wasn't interested enough to demolish a wanting soul especially for the weak hearted. He said he was gonna call, I waited for it for days but to no avail and there I was questioning my actions previously I hated myself for that.
I let my ego slide abit and gave him a call, well he wasn't that heartless he answered my calls but it felt like he was interested but you know what, that was a big baby step I made. His voice alone made me smile and wish I just had another moment to say how much I missed him.
At the moment I had put aside his ill treatments and focused on me smiling again.
Little did I know it was just for a moment and kept wondering, why then get in touch again after all those days away if you weren't staying? Or did I scare him away with my replies? Again back to that same lone moment. I loved him and still do but does he feel the same for me or am I just an entertainer to make his stay memorable??
..........
© Olive shiku
