Some people find it difficult to tell other people how they feel directly
Vocalise their thoughts, a natural ability
Most people can effortlessly confess
Some are just trying to feel like less of a mess
Because the world's made them believe there's one way to do this correctly

What even is the right way to do this?
They express themselves in other ways, you'll see it if you're paying attention
Too much has turned them this way, and that's certain.
We're all made differently for a reason

How do you communicate when you cannot find the words?
Or maybe you can but the way you say them, they do not understand
Tell them so you feel heard
But it never goes as planned

It's too much to explain
We'd have to start from the beginning
The root cause of this pain
All of it just keeps aching
All they see is you complaining

I don't think I'm a proper friend
Because honestly, I don't have any friends
Once you're loved you're now family, now until the end
To those, I care not about, I may be kind of an assh*le
Although I have never quit any of the most important souls

For once you're family you're forever tied
But that doesn't mean you forget the hurt they've caused
I've heard them say they don't know why I'm this way towards 'em
I believe 'em
They really believe they've done nothing to hurt me, nothing wrong

I kept showing them care until I ultimately decide
They don't even notice when I've stopped
I never wanna be bothersome
The constant struggle, martyrdom
By mind, knowing I'll never belong

I don't have much, and I don't take strangers into my little world easily
But once they mean something to me, I'll pour into them willingly
For as long as I can remember I've always been "a call away" kind of family
I wouldn't change a thing, I just wish I would've kept a little, I have nothing left to offer, woefully.

My thoughts keep me up at night
And trust me, the thoughts of myself are never bright
And I know they want me to speak it to them
But the only way I let them out is when I write
Afraid to let them read it, one day I might

I wish I could be a proper friend and tell them everything like in the quote
I still continue to dote
Told by so many I push people away but the right ones will stay
But the same ones end up leaving and that's okay
At first, I would blame myself for not being good enough
So I punish myself, telling myself all kinds of stuff

In the end, I realise, that no matter how much I try to push people away
My strange love should have the final say
Of who I truly am inside
I'm no angel, I'm no saint
Perhaps antisocial and very quaint
Not even special, pretty mundane
Not the most beautiful falling rain.

But when I'm doing well mentally, emotionally and physically
If it's in my capability
I'll give it all happily
Since I feel like they deserve it for dealing with me when my flaws are shining through
If I'm met with unaccepting
Then I don't know if I'm valued.

I'll still be me to who needs me next
To whoever checks on me, it reflects
If not, I'll wake up each day and still wish you the best
But respectfully, don't come back, it's all I request.


© JPS2719