My memory is a database

there is a place, in that database

a place full of things I cannot face

what remains in my brains is empty space

my stepfather, my sisters, my brothers, my mother.

one of these things is not like the others.

three of these things I'd rather not forget

and the other one stays with me, yet

the bite of a fly, the grit of cement

years of help left but a dent

sometimes I wonder where my mind went

I wonder

and I wonder

it's pulling me under

then I awaken from my childlike slumber

in my mind, there is no time

no season, no reason, no rhyme



only you.



sometimes I ask, "why me?"

but as I've grown older

I realize that it's not my fault

I was a child, and you were my mother

I tried so hard to come up with a reason

why a mother would treat her son this way

was it for control?

was it out of spite?

resentment?

hatred?

no.

the reasons do not matter anymore

I was forever changed

forever twisted into a nameless and faceless mass

unable to heal

unable to trust

unable to feel

anything

but the lash of your tongue against my ears

ringing and ringing and ringing

the fury sent forth from your hands

striking me down

the chill of your gaze

I feel it still

the projection of your problems

the sight of your razor

the flowing of your life

onto the floor

the weight of your power

follows me everywhere I go

and yet somehow I still go

and go

and go

though you have crippled me

still I must walk

carrying you around

being sucked dry

wondering why

why me?


.