Spending nights across the bottom of the closet floor
Feeling the shattering of my heart against the tears on the floor
I've died twice
Yet I live still
I turned off my heart because the pain was unreal
I once was born with a tender heart
I had two lovers rip it apart
The first I thought would forever hold my hand
In the end I was replaced with a bottle in their hand
The second I opened and tried to learn to trust again
This was a person who promised me a cherished world of care and hearth
In the end I tried to fan the flames on a dead cold hearth
I was never perfect enough
Never quite the right fit
Years passed my heart lapsed I grew numb thinking this was what life would become
I forgave I let go only to do it yet again
Seen as a whore unrighteous unfit
While the lies continued I became more numb
the ghosts of my past haunted me until
I became like the walking dead
There were days years into it my imperfections made me wish I was dead
I knew I could never measure up no matter what I said or tried
So I hid my shame
I painted on a smile
I walked the miles
The screaming and throwing behind the door became normalcy
The walking on eggshells what I thought needed to be
I would have walked across coals
Suddenly the end came
I had to pull myself up on my own for the second time
As I held onto a mask of strength I cried alone
I traveled the road yet again
Guarded and determined I would survive alone
I've dealt with mockery and shame most of my life
I played the part of the perfect daughter and wife.
I lost my own compass hiding my heart
The pain held me close
There were times I almost lost my way
Yet here I am to over it to cry
Its something I refuse to abide
Now the mask is falling off
Now my heart is starting to grow ever soft
Like it was as a child
Then I had a big heart and smile
And the weight has been trying to come off
For whatever reason this hand appears reaching out to me
I want to reach out to it
I want to hold this hand that is there
I am still kind of scared
But I see it still there
and why I hate any sense of my own vulnerability
Its something I'm sharing very slowly openly
It is not easy letting you in
But I want to begin



© ER