I want to write myself a love letter.
Tell myself of the people I grew to be,
of the people who grew out of me.
I want to tell myself
the brittle parts of me that no one
has yet found the heart to fix.
Tell myself
the strong parts of me that no one
can find in my heart, to take along.

I want to tell myself,
you grew thinner, okay, almost.
You tried.
You got a lover, okay, almost.
You tried.
You got a home, okay, almost.
You tried.
You didn't give up, not yet.
You tried.
Loud music still annoys you.
The leftover sunshine trickling through
your window at noon
still settles on your nose in a pretty angle.
You still love clicking pictures of yourself,
you are still trying to read all the books you buy.
The haircut you got yourself looks cute,
you aren't a heart gone stale under the sun;
if anything, you have aged with your pain
like a fossil preserved because it was a manuscript first.

I want to tell myself
that boys don't look at her still,
but you have stopped caring because
you know now, that when they stop and stare,
they are slowly eating away your worth.
You love meaningful conversations now,
a little "are you okay" under the rain,
a big hug under the snow,
a shy eye contact before your shadows become
one, same mass of darkness.

And you are not afraid of the dark anymore.
You seem to understand it,
as if a part of you was painted dark
but was kept away from the mirror
for so long.
You are still afraid of driving your car,
but the rear view mirror is your friend;
you love that, it can make something faraway
appear closer.... you have spent
many summers dreaming of a world
made of rear view mirrors so
the ones you have let go, still appear close.

Oh, and I want to write myself a love letter.
To fold it in my favourite scent, envelope it
in the pink paper that fits my nearby post box;
I want the letter to look pretty,
to feel like someone dear addressed it
to someone dearer.
I want the letter to carry my emotions as if
it's a letter from a soldier to his family;
only here, both me and myself are at war.
But I hope, not with each other.

~ Nivi

#writco #love #selflove #letter #mirror #hope #100piecesofnivi #life
© Nivi