Suddenly it's different
Like I took a deep breath and it snapped
The last straw I held unto to survive
And I find myself falling into the abyss
My inner child I protected out of sight
Suddenly I can't see color
The very lens on which I see the world gone

A feeling of nakedness envelopes me
I find that I never moved
I am still at the start line
like the whistle blew but I never ran
I never marched foward to fight
thus I never saw the front lines
In this war to find happiness

My mind had seen the end,
A taste of happiness it savoured
A feeling I never truly felt
Perhaps that was why I felt numb
Because those illusions were not real.

I had hopes and dreams to heal
when my demons I failed to face
Hopes that left me drunk like one on the rum,
clinging to the next person for enough stability to go home,
I soon forgot in truth one can't walk on clouds

Dreams of sunshine and rainbows
fading as I find in truth the reason I failed to heal
was not my failure to find peace
But in truth a failure to find my wounds
Like I started a book,
But failed to write the first page

Today those wounds i found
I find myself in distress
and peace eludes me
For the first time in a while I wanted to cry
I never felt so powerless and hopeless
I felt a burning sensation behind my throat
as I held the tears in
And I realized how long it has been
Since I let myself feel
I couldn't bear to breathe
as the truth dawned on me
For what do I hate myself?
so much so I failed to forgive her

A string of question I wished to ask
How do you heal
when the past you once lived
becomes the demon you run from
when you get lost in the dark
So much so that you fail to find you
How do you live when each breath
hurts like a million stab wounds to your chest?
How do you survive when the enemy you fight
is your very own consciousness
Where can one go from here?


© The Poem of Giving
© Dena's_poetry