let the light in and fold up the blinds
this small part of my brain starts to speak
"get up and spit out the pills"
you can make it through the day
mhm
panic attacks, or is it my anxiety tracks?
and I close my doors cuz It's getting harder to breathe when the music starts to play
and i'm starting to spiral but I guess you can't see
we've been getting older- haven't we?
passing the time looking for signs
but the stars won't speak to me
.
.

i don't want to let the fear eat me up
but It's eating me up
and everyone's swimming in the river now
but I can't even get close to it
everytime I thought i'm at my worst
I messed up and it got worse
I never thought I could hurt like this
But guess I can always do worse to myself
The final question is
What is going to end me?
What is going to end me?
In the end. ?


Never experienced love
Never even experienced a flirt
Guess i'm no materiel for that
Maybe I wasn't created for love
Maybe I am the side character
The one who's name will be forgotten
In the end. ?




Sometimes I want love so badly
It makes me realize how delusional I am
How could someone ever love me
With all the expectations that I raise?
And all the hate towards myself?



Sometimes I want to shake the World
I want to shake everyone around
For swallowing my lies like it's nothing
Sweet sweet lies heavy in my stomach
Sometimes I want to show up
And Release my hunger to the World
Lift my voice up to the sky
But in the end.
I have nothing to say



© nijiro