When I look at myself,
I see a woman who straightens everything
because she is crooked (or potentially has some form of undiagnosed OCD)
I see a woman who is afraid of hope
and desperately wants to accept reality,
but cannot because
she cannot accept herself
or maybe God will change His mind
and be gracious toward her
I see an unchanging woman
and yet, a woman who is changing bit by bit
by fear, by uncertainty, by the unknown future
by the truth of who God is and by the truth of who she is not and may never be, or could be someday, somewhere, sometime, somehow
All of these somes (or sums) must add up to something and what could that something possibly be?
Could it all add up to Someone?
Or do I already know deep down what the truth is and there’s no way I can stop it?
What will God do with me? To me? For me?
What can He do, but won’t do for me?
Is it for the best that I let go of my dream?
Maybe God will give me something better…
Like Himself
I need God more than a cure for my own insanity or for more than fulfilling my dreams
Maybe He could be my new better dream…
Maybe…