My ADHD writes you a love poem,
And it is beautiful.
I sit to the side
and watch in awe as it encompasses my attention from wherever it was before
and draws vocabulary from nowhere.

I watch it twirl and whirl words
into a freeform prose
designed to make you smile
long after ripping your eyes from the page-

The hypothetical page,
Because we’re sitting in the middle of a lecture,
My ADHD and I,
And we’re fairly sure it’d be
inappropriate
to suddenly whip out our laptop and
start typing furiously,
Very obviously not engaging in whatever’s being said at the moment.

We don’t have to feel guilty or anything about not listening,
The lecturer moved too fast
through the slides,
Leaving my messy but
structured page of notes
with an unfinished sentence
and blank space,
Leaving me with yet another
'I’ll just have to finish these notes later’
because the personality disorder that demands routine,
order,
and structure
in everything
began losing its
SHIT
at having too much or,
god forbid,
too little space left between notes
if we just guesstimate the lines needed
and continue our notetaking-

Anyway,
Right,
My ADHD writes you a love poem,
Sifting through my
visual memories of you
in order to find the perfect way to
describe
just how much I want to
gently run my hands through your hair,
Re-ordering lines and
choosing different vocabulary
until we’re left with a poetic masterpiece-

I feel impressed enough
with this effort that I
allow myself to imagine a future
in which I experience
a sudden rise to fame as a writer,,
How it would occur seemingly out of nowhere after someone-
possibly someone close to me-
leaks my genius,
causing a dramatic confrontation at the betrayal,
no matter how positive the results,
Creating a wave of fans and admirers wondering at my recently untapped talent,
Fans and admirers jealous of you;
the muse of my artistic talent…

Wow, that got weird.
I swear I don't actually
envision something like that-
and to be completely honest
I probably shouldn't even call the
crafted prose a
‘love’ poem,
You and I both have
similar views on love
versus being in love,
And,
quite frankly,
I doubt we’ve been on
enough dates for me to
write a poem about either
so…

We’re pulled out of our thoughts
by movement from the other students
Signalling the end of a lecture-
and time to write this down
before we forget it!

Yes!
Of course!

We grab out the phone and
open the notes app,
beginning a new note and impatiently waiting for the keyboard
to pop up on the screen…
Finally!-

No no nonononono,
we’re pulled into a
conversation happening next to us
with our friends.
I’m asked a simple question
as my ADHD stands there,
Angrily tapping its feet through my frantically tapping fingertips,
Getting exasperated as I allow a
delayed response to stumble out
before turning immediately
back to the phone,

Screen still active.

Keyboard up.

Typing cursor
blinking on the blank page.

ADHD is screaming at me
to do something,
but I can’t hear the
message in its words
over the frantic screeching of its tone.
I can’t
FOCUS
and get this written down before-

It’s like the world stops.

My mind completely blanks,

I’m unsure what I’m doing,
what I just did,
and what I was going to do for a brief moment,
The answers coming back to me
fast enough for me to
accidentally turn my phone screen off-

Dammit!

Turn back on.

Fingerprint scan in.

Wait for keyboard to pop up...

Hover thumbs over
the screen keyboard,
ready to begin furiously typing
once given the words to type-

...But it’s too late.

My ADHD writes you a love poem,
And I lose it to the deep abyss…,
Once again destroying something so beautiful
in an-
almost impressive-
short feat of time.

I swear I didn’t mean to let it go!
It just seems like
even when I’m a
figment of imagination
inside my own mind,
my hands shake and
lose grip of things out of nowhere,
Something residing
deep inside every version of me
that’s determined to self sabotage-
Not willing to let me
experience full control
over my thoughts,
actions,
or memories….

That something could be related to my parents
and the trauma
and the gaslighting,
but a love poem is no place for that so
pretend I never said anything.

My ADHD…
My AD-
My-
…
I wrote you a love poem,

Crafted it with a
soft smiling mouth and bright eyes,
Adding your gorgeous characteristics
and features to it
until it almost came close to
resembling the bright,
full feeling I get
just hanging around you...

But I don't remember it's face anymore.
I forgot its name and
I've been kicking myself ever since.
I'd finally found a way that
connected the rapid thoughts
in my head
to the outside world,
Could've written it as intended,
because living a life as me
all these years have taught me that
verbally expressing my
thoughts and feelings
prove to be… difficult.

But I didn't.

You deserve an eloquent poem,
With rhythmic and auditory
beauty that leaves you breathless...

My ADHD wrote you a love poem,
And it was beautiful.
I lost it to the deep caverns of my mind
where all lost things go.

I couldn't find it
but I refuse to leave you empty-handed
so please,
Take this poem instead.
© O.M.A
#writco #writcoapp #adhd #neurodiversity #Love&love #lgbtq #relationships #foryou #loveletter #personal