my close friend
had her baby shower
the other day.
she was reflecting
on the event with me
today,
and noted how
loved she felt
at the gathering
of all the important people
in her life.

i acknowledged
and validated
her feelings
out loud,
but internally,
a selfish battle
had been prompted.

if -
god forbid-
i ever birthed
a child,
who would
i invite
to celebrate?

i have 2 friends.
none of their
friendships
are older than 6 years.

i've been struggling
with an alcohol addiction
for roughly 6 months
now,
and my mother
bought me an
'around the world'
cocktail kit for Christmas...
i don't feel seen by her.

what a pathetic
life
to reflect on.

i want to be
a parent one day;
i don't want to
use my own cursed
uterus -
aside from the dysphoria,
i carry within me
a fucktonne of
medical conditions
and issues
that have impeded my
quality of life
since birth.
it would be cruel
to knowingly
pass that on
to my child.

ending this
genetic curse
with me
would be my gift
to the universe.

however,
when considering
welcoming a child
into my future,
all i can picture
is
an empty baby shower
and nothing
but my own
guilt and regret
filling the space.
© O.M.A

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