I used to imagine that depression was a hard thing to go through but now it's even harder because now I have to live through it.
I always understood that depression was really tough and a lot to unpack but I never expected to wake up not knowing if today you are going to try kill yourself or if your going to complete all your work.
The thing is that with depression no matter how many times it goes away it always comes back and different from the last time. You will never know if it's going to be a muddy hill or a snowy mountain.
Above all else it's hard because you can wake up after weeping all night and be happy until you see the blood that poured through your pyjamas. It really rattles me because scars used to symbolise a badge of honour but now they're just a quick way to identify your worth.
Depression is harsh not because of all the shitty things that it does to you physically and mentally but because you are never actually sure what emotion you are feeling. Yes sure some days you can understand but majority of days you have never even heard of an emotion. Kind of like an empty pit in the desert.
One last thing is that you never know what day it is. Days just tend to blend together like oil paints, between the naps and never truly getting a full nights sleep you are always exhausted. There is no rum and redball strong enough to get you a qualified sleep schedule.