“You will be okay.”
I said it when I was young
and stupid.
Giving hope where there was none.
I had no right.
Wanted only to fuel the fight
you had to win.

There was no life without you.
I was unable to see
or comprehend it.
And when I finally understood
I went silent as footsteps in new-fallen snow.
Continued with the charade
that played out in front of us.
Withdrew into myself and folded
like a losing hand -
while you were asleep
and I was awake,
cursing at the darkness of the disease.

It was not about me at all.
It was about you.
It was everything you,
not everything us.
It was everything when we needed
it to be nothing.

I am no longer young and stupid.
I no longer offer hope
where none exists -
gave away my tunnel vision
and vacuous words
to loneliness.

When you went away for good,
I did everything I could
to live this life without you.
And, like you,
I have never been okay.

© Laura DeHart Young