there's a dried up coffee mug
on our bedside,
and the sheets have a brown ring stain, smudging at its outline.
the alarm shrieks and trembles again
and again
to try
and be heard.

i've been only eating
grapefruits and medication,
then binging on soggy crisps,
and ice cream, and corner store wine.

my cupboard's got a mountain
that we could maybe climb
and there'd be a diamond at the top
to solve all our problems.
i've been wearing these same clothes
for at least three days
and the scent of your smile
still lingers on the sleeves

which i pulled
begging you to stay

but you didn't.
hopefully you look
at the fingernail marks
and feel the taste
of my velvet voice
coating your sickened sweet tongue.

my urges to text you again
and call you up and drink
from those coffee grind eyes
and the way the sun falls into them,
thought not obsolete
have been solved.

i don't know where my phone is.

yet i want to find you again,
i want to get you back,
i want to find someone else,
i want to get you back,
i want to melt in your kiss,
i want to get you back,
i want to leave jealousy
filling up your mouth,
i want to get you back.

get you back
into these lonesome arms
and dive into them together
and swim and thrive and feel
cool
and alive,
with water licking our cheeks,
my hands placed on yours
pulling you closer to me.

but here i am,
only in crumpled gym shorts
with a reciept threatening to
slip out my pocket
lying in an unmade bed
dreaming about brunch and long walks,
and being on stage, performing songs,
making speeches, passionate and strong,

till the phone rings
and i run around the room
a deranged animal,
claws pierced out,
hoping it's you
till it stops
and i retreat back
into my cave

where dust has found home
in the shelves and the books,
with your sleek handwriting
scribbled in the
margins

they tell me to not give up,
to love myself,
and that you'd be there
to fill in the gaps.

if i really want to change the world,
i should change my clothes,
and i guess i should change myself.

© lilac_of_hope
(09/10/2023)

Inspired by 'Change My Clothes' - Dream & Alec Benjamin.