there's space in my chest
a lump in my throat

I wouldn't know what the feeling was if I was asked

but it feels alot like a void, like pain that just pricks underneath my skin, so tiny that I barely feel anything till all of a sudden it's a gapping hole and I'm spilling all over the ground and trying so hard not to spill all over other people

sometimes I think I'm numb,
or just good at pushing things aside
gazing for half a second and turning away as if it meant nothing even though it literally kills me inside

keeping it all in, how hurt sad and alone I feel

sometimes I think I'm okay

sometimes I smile so wide nothing could possibly be wrong

but I know, deep down underneath everything, I know I'm not

I know there are weight clamping down on my shoulders from every direction

I know sometimes I feel lost

scared

damned

sometimes I feel like I've been living wrong and there's nothing I can do to make it right

it scares me that this might be how things will always be

that I'll always be this person, that these problems and responsibilities will always choke me and I'll never escape

that the one thing I crave that will make things alittle bit better will never find me

because I am simply not enough

but there's a reason they are called fears, they can't touch you unless you let them

it's incredibly hard though, and you might slip every single day, but you know what's so beautiful about it all?

you're still here

still standing

and even though you recognize your fears and weaknesses

you're still fighting everyday for that possible "maybe everything will be fine "

and that my darling, is what life is about.

cuz nobody is ever truly okay

we're all just figuring this shit out


© tonnaV