so the understanding was that
i had the perfect body.
my tight quads
bubble bum
flat tummy a lot of women my age would
kill for.

i still do have the body.
it'll be a while before i lose it.
before my body slows down

nice jawline
perfect boobs
curvy waist

but i don't like any of it.
makes me sound ungrateful
but i didnt work for this body.
i worked for some.

but is it bad to say i wish i could have lost weight to get my body where it is?
that i wish i didnt finally hit 100lbs until i was 13
or that ive been a consistent 115lbs for
the last year?
that working out as a kid was frowned upon because i already looked good?

that the first time my eating disorder started,
weight loss and weight gain scared me?
seeing numbers on the scale dropping
but seeing numbers increasing told me i was gonna lose the weight anyways?

that maybe if i put tape on my stomach
i'd feel normal
even if it was just for the day
that yes,
i am a woman that's struggled with weight
that i feel like my rib cage is bigger
than the bricks i carry

i guess i find it beautiful
that ive only damaged the wrists
contusions on my thighs
i havent beaten the body i was given

i feel beautiful.
but i dont feel like i earned it.
i wish a challenge for my body
and a break for my heart
because the bridges ive crossed to get this far
have torn me apart.

the scars on my wrists
and the cuts in my heart
that have made my mind
judge, jury, and executioner
of my own decisions

i wish for the tears to dry
and the pain to cease
because the gavel i keep bringing
down on my life
will never put my thoughts at ease

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