March. 23, 2023- 'Into Me I See'

Today me and Mari kissed for the first time, God I feel like a teenager again, so excited over a god dammed kiss. Ugh, what am I doing with my life? Anyway-
We drove around the woods up by the lake, I actually was brave enough to show her today. I took a few days literally just to decide if I was even going to or not,
the lake and the surrounding woods was my favorite thinking spot. I felt like I never gave anyone my heart fully, but to this place, I had. And speaking of not
giving my heart to anyone fully, we got into that today. She asked about my, less than enthusiastic murmurs about the deeper side of me and all this deep blue
sea emotional shit, but- in truth I was there already with her, I just didn't realize I had been. It kind of snuck up on me, but that's how the hard falls start, isn't it?
First she opened up about her own life and her tragic conga line of failed relationships, fuck, I realize I'm always making some shit sound like a joke, or taking
the edge off with a simile. I need to stop that, I think I'm actually starting to annoy myself by trying to be sincere and noticing I don't always sound that way (I'd
laugh if it wasn't so sad, maybe I'll laugh later. Fuck, I hope so. See- fuck! That's what I mean!)
Moving on, she said she was always used to people leaving her and so she got used to kind of having people around as long as they would stay, but never
actually truly being there herself. But somehow she was still hurt when they still left, and she was even more hurt that she was never fully there. That's
something isn't it? Sounds almost...