I don’t think people understand how it feels.

After the night of coming back to reality, everyone is worried yet very mad at you. They say things like “Are you ok?”
“Why did you do that”
“You could have talked to me”
“Did you not stop to think about us?”
The list continues, it grows and grows, but never changes along those words. How can I answer that? How can it not hurt? What should I say, to make you feel better, without making me feel worse. Yes, I’m ok. I Just like playing with pill bottles and knives against my skin. The thrill of the fun, is almost as if it kills me. Get it? Its all some sort of joke. My life feels amusing to others yet, I dont want to live long enough to see how it ends. No, Im not ok, I am hurting inside and theres no way for me to say how it feels or how much pain I am in. Its uncomfortable to breathe, knowing someone else who probably wanted to, couldn’t. It hurts to smile and laugh, not because I dont feel the actual joy, but because I lie to you so you can’t feel what I have. So I dont have to see that look in your face like I am now. It’s as if its a mix of disappointment with worry, and many more things in its stead.
Why did I do it? Good question, sometimes I’m not so sure myself. I didnt know I was capable of murdering a person who was already dead. I simply believe things...