I've become so different from who I was only a short time ago. My very best guess would be the say that the all the pain I've endured and then held inside his changed me for the worst. I'm sadly becoming cold where I was once very warm, trusting and loving. Now I questioned every single move made by anyone who even gets remotely close to me. When it first began to happen I just thought those around me were exaggerating or just being critical. But lately is becoming painfully clear for me that they were right and not only do I not like it at all,
.love. Real love not lollipop the twists and turns along the way have damaged. They resulted in my becoming a lost soul, a fool who no longer has a sense of direction. It's as if I'm trapped inside an impossible maze.
          And it seems that the longer I'm inside that maze and the harder that I search for the exit the more I seem to hit dead ends. And, with each and every dead end that I hit, I find myself facing more heartache or pain. Which in turn just breaks me down more and more. However, it's not surprising because I've grown used to it after all of these years.
          Then, it happens one day, that I catch a glimpse of the exit. I feel a sense of relief thinking of the end of maze and the chance to maybe not worry so much about my destiny. All which I'm hoping is finally going to ease up a little bit and possibly let me find a little peace. Finally, that silver lining that i'd been praying for was within my sight. However, much to my dismay, it seems all i found was that it was nothing more than a Mirage. I was careful, and followed the path I was shown in my vision, but low and behold still no exit. All I did find truly was just another dead end. Hitting this dead end resulted in an impossible to prevent meltdown for me.
Now, I'm sure if anyone had been watching me up until this point, they would have surely thought that I was quite a pitiful sight to see and more than likely, they would have also considered me to be a childish fool. I only say that because I could almost be positive that the route to the exit was quite obvious, but justbecause of all the sorrow and pain I felt and feel, I was and still am blind to it. As for the way I now view myself? Well I see myself as not only a fool, but also as someone who is naive and easily suckered into falling for lies and half truths because I have a heart that is entirely too trusting. Somehow, my heart and mind seem to always have me falling into a heartbreaking trap because they refuse to see the cruel intentions of others.                
My heart gets all caught up and follows suit when my mind can't decide for itself between reality's truth, and the deception in the hearts of others. Used to be that I was truly convinced that I could face anything this world threw at me, and come out fully in tact and unharmed. These days, it is painfully apparent that I was so very wrong. It is possible to lose one self in the dark shadows cast by those out to deceive you to obtain there own needs or desire fulfillment. And when that happens, you have no idea of the point where it is that you can even try to start finding your way back.
     Then it gets to a point where you no longer recognize the person that's in the mirror. When this happens that usually becomes sadly clear that when others say that you aren't the same, they are or were right. In my case, even though I had a pretty good group of friends who tried to tell me gently I still convinced myself that they were wrong, never realizing that by denying it I was just hurting myself more. Then, as a was sitting alone with my thoughts one day all of a sudden it was if I was going 90 miles an hour and hit a brick wall, never once even tapping the brakes. And Jilll)'ll)))£ beneficial, but one would be tragic for myself as well as .qq would be that at some point, I may find my heart and soul again and get lucky enough to retrieve them at full capacity so I could become the person with the trusting and loving qualities of my ,v 15th f7 s yo self. Or the second would be that I find them pwith only a portion left. Truthfully, this outcome won't do much more than to keep me in unstable state of mind in which i'll then become a prisoner. Constantly reflecting back on the way that things used to be. Always wishing to return to the days that love was something I'd never even begin to question or doubt.
But, I fear that the most dreadful outcome is what will become of me. I believe that my heart and soul have been lost in the abyss. I feel that they may never be found again. I've given so much of myself over the years to people who said all the things that they knew I needed to hear even though most of the time it was just lies to keep me near. However, no one ever stopped to realize that during the times they were doing these hurtful things to me that one day, that loving woman would simply be no more. Now, I fear that it may be truly too late to save who I once was.
So, from this moment until the end of time, all I can do is wish, hope and pray that one day I will be able to find myself once again. Until that day comes, all that I can do is ask that those who care about me just don't give up on me.


© Hailey Raine