I want the pain to stop,
so I drag my nails through my skin,
peircing until I feel the burn,
and feel the dampness of blood underneath.
I feel relief.

I want the pain to stop,
so I tell people, I'm fine, I'm okay.
Until I'm alone and I cry every last tear.
My eyes begin to nip and my pillow is wet.
I'm not alright yet.

I want the pain to stop,
so I force a smile on my face
Maybe if I play pretend it will become real.
I fake it until my jaw hurts and as soon as no one can see I lose that smile again
I count to ten.

One. Breathe in
Two. Breathe out.
Three. Breathe in.
Four. Breathe out.
Five. In
Six. Out
Keep on going.
Eyes are closed.
when I open I have lost count.
Blood on my bed.
From my nails cut deep.
My arms and chest are covered in marks from digging so deep.

I think of the guilt for hurting him.
I deserve this pain.
I think of all the stupid decisions,
I have recently made.
I am not someone I want to be.
I want to change back.
I want to be good again.
I deserve this pain.

But the scratches and the marks and the bleeding and the scars.
None of it hurts as much as my heart.