it's almost been a year.
a year since i made the decision
to want to end my life completely

a year since i wanted to see death
just because i knew i'd like it more
because my thoughts had told my body
that we cannot do it
and that is something we had to act on

the suicidal thoughts came like midwest seasons.
woeful winters
suicidal springs
saddening summers
frail falls
until they all collided
and i dealt with it all at once

i cant tell you exactly what i felt
but my world was crashing.
i was thinking about suicide three times a day
my job was ruining my mental health
and my boyfriend had broken up with me
mid spiral.
it felt like the people i needed most
needed me less.

i distanced from family
to make my attempt feel needed
friends became acquaintances
my boyfriend became a stranger
it even felt like my brain and my body
were disconnected
i was losing grasp on the things that
mattered most

at that time,
i had stopped trying to process pain
because getting rid of it seemed impossible

my doctor had told me that when i go into fight or flight
most of the time, i was flighting
and i never understood why
until i was told it was all trauma related

i had a violent childhood
one full of confrontation
tears
parental negligence
drug abuse and rehabilitation

i spent a lot of time scared
anxious
(but never calling it anxiety
because mental health wasnt an acknowledged issue)
a childhood full of invalidation
one that didnt get me cozy
with my mental health issues until 17 years old.

i felt stuck in a world where it seemed like everyone knew exactly what they were doing

and i didnt.

i didnt know i'd overdose
until the target medication was staring me in the face.
i needed midol for period cramps
but benadryl looked enticing
an allergen relief
something i didnt need

i set out my favorite dress
and took the 200 benadryl pills
got in a freezing shower with clothes on
and was found unresponsive
i can still taste the pink chalk
that coats benadryl (gagging as im writing this)

one thing i never did was blame myself
i knew i couldnt
i knew it was my fault
and my thoughts that took me to rock bottom
i had a bomb in my brain
and i was waiting for the countdown

i was ready to die

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