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LOVE Is PAIN
I know I said “I don’t love you”, and perhaps I was being honest and at the same time being wrong.
I was being honest in how I felt because I was no longer in love with you, but I was being wrong in the way that I hurt you. It wasn’t a plan of mine for things to end up like this. I’m not even certain I was in love with you from the start, and I know it sounds cold but these are my exact thoughts and emotions at this time in place. Of all that I’ve been through with you has gotten me to this current state. Of all the arguments and pain we both endure in our past with our exes, and I’ve always bound never to repeat, but it was merely a suggestion. A suggestion I’ve made to myself because I still had plenty of work to do. Plenty of analyzing and learning about myself before meeting you. I feel you as well could of used your time alone before meeting me to work on your emotional state. We both could of use plenty of therapy to avoid further mistakes.
You came to my life with a past that broke you and kept you there because you’ve never truly overcame your insecurities, your own fears. I aswell came from a dark place and we’ve hope together we see light of day. Yet, it was never the case. Instead we came to face our hardest battle with one another today. You’ve gotten sick and I have gotten emotionally drained. What is there else to do at this stage? I don’t want you to die, I don’t want to loose a friend. To me you aren’t just a mistake, a constant reminder of my failures but more. How could you not speak to me on your hardest moment of illness? How could you belive I was ever unfaithful? I had to pull through my anxiety, my depression in doing things I love once more and speaking to those I truly care for. My family and friends even my own daughters I’ve abandon to be with you. You should be happy for me as I should be with you. Isn’t that the point why people get together, so they can improve one another for the better?
As sad as my heart is because you refuse to speak with me. Brain surgery went well but you still refuse to belive in me. I stand firm however and wish you all the best. I will be here when you need me because I am still your friend. I will always be there because it was what I promised to do. Why did we get married, I thought I hadn’t had the slightest clue. Yet now that we are seperate my dear I clearly do. I wanted to be the man you deserve, someone you would love always. I wanted to be loved the way I would give it and you wanted a man who cares deeply and is faithful as you were always. Sadly, I couldn’t play the part for very long and the act was up. It wasn’t intentional. I needed someone that would accept the real me as it should always be. You should have wanted the same instead of trying to convert me into your perfect ideal man. I love God but you knew I wasn’t very much religious because I believe it is the relationship with Jesus that saves and not temples created by men. Perfection is something no one can truly be. Is it almost none existent because we are only human beings.
I would never rub in all you have done for me. That includes helping me heal at all cost when I was weak and ill. I wish I could do the same and you be healed, but this is something different. This is Cancer and it is all up to your strength with Gods will. Trust me if I could zap it right off you I would. Snap my fingers and make it disappear for good. Yet I cannot but I pray everyday you will have the chance to live a longer life. With or better without this desease so can go back to being the beautiful woman I first met back in October of 2018.
© Johnny Cigars
I was being honest in how I felt because I was no longer in love with you, but I was being wrong in the way that I hurt you. It wasn’t a plan of mine for things to end up like this. I’m not even certain I was in love with you from the start, and I know it sounds cold but these are my exact thoughts and emotions at this time in place. Of all that I’ve been through with you has gotten me to this current state. Of all the arguments and pain we both endure in our past with our exes, and I’ve always bound never to repeat, but it was merely a suggestion. A suggestion I’ve made to myself because I still had plenty of work to do. Plenty of analyzing and learning about myself before meeting you. I feel you as well could of used your time alone before meeting me to work on your emotional state. We both could of use plenty of therapy to avoid further mistakes.
You came to my life with a past that broke you and kept you there because you’ve never truly overcame your insecurities, your own fears. I aswell came from a dark place and we’ve hope together we see light of day. Yet, it was never the case. Instead we came to face our hardest battle with one another today. You’ve gotten sick and I have gotten emotionally drained. What is there else to do at this stage? I don’t want you to die, I don’t want to loose a friend. To me you aren’t just a mistake, a constant reminder of my failures but more. How could you not speak to me on your hardest moment of illness? How could you belive I was ever unfaithful? I had to pull through my anxiety, my depression in doing things I love once more and speaking to those I truly care for. My family and friends even my own daughters I’ve abandon to be with you. You should be happy for me as I should be with you. Isn’t that the point why people get together, so they can improve one another for the better?
As sad as my heart is because you refuse to speak with me. Brain surgery went well but you still refuse to belive in me. I stand firm however and wish you all the best. I will be here when you need me because I am still your friend. I will always be there because it was what I promised to do. Why did we get married, I thought I hadn’t had the slightest clue. Yet now that we are seperate my dear I clearly do. I wanted to be the man you deserve, someone you would love always. I wanted to be loved the way I would give it and you wanted a man who cares deeply and is faithful as you were always. Sadly, I couldn’t play the part for very long and the act was up. It wasn’t intentional. I needed someone that would accept the real me as it should always be. You should have wanted the same instead of trying to convert me into your perfect ideal man. I love God but you knew I wasn’t very much religious because I believe it is the relationship with Jesus that saves and not temples created by men. Perfection is something no one can truly be. Is it almost none existent because we are only human beings.
I would never rub in all you have done for me. That includes helping me heal at all cost when I was weak and ill. I wish I could do the same and you be healed, but this is something different. This is Cancer and it is all up to your strength with Gods will. Trust me if I could zap it right off you I would. Snap my fingers and make it disappear for good. Yet I cannot but I pray everyday you will have the chance to live a longer life. With or better without this desease so can go back to being the beautiful woman I first met back in October of 2018.
© Johnny Cigars
