jump


how high?


i think when my eardrum blew inward, after howling my lungs to the moon, to the empty woods where no one could listen, i think it became clear how much this mattered to me

how much silence can fill

dripping into a worn, rusted bucket
little, faint drops, like bells
like your laugh

and i think when i cried so hard the salt sealed my eyelids shut, my cheeks forever red, my lips forever trembling, i think it became clear how much this mattered to me


“i think everyone parts, eventually, even in vows, even in promise, even in the mud and dirt and al things cosmic”

“but, do you think there will be a day where we part?”


maybe, i had said, it’s likely
it’s not impossible despite feeling unfathomable
i can’t imagine a day where i look up at this sky, knowing you are no longer under it

and i think when i screamed so hard for you that confetti danced out of my mouth, rubbed raw and vulnerable, blood mixing with the spit to soul the tissue paper erupting from the side of my head, i think it became clear how much this mattered to me

with every drop of you, i try to drown myself in that bucket
all it takes is done drop
i find myself waist-deep


but you said

“i won’t leave” (you)


and i think, naively, at least then, when we believed in such a notion, i think that we meant it, and i’d do anything to go back to the point where you somehow convinced me to believe in “always”


but you said

but how far?

and how long?

and how dare you say


jump


and not expect me to fall?






#poetizer #poetry #heartbreak #abandonment
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