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What am I supposed to do with that?
They handed me ammunition and then told me not to hurt anyone, even if they strike first. I have no weapon. What am I supposed to do with that?
They nailed the target to my heart and to my limbs and told me it wouldn’t stop them from firing even if I was bleeding out. What am I supposed to do with that?
They shouted at me and wrote horrible words all over my tongue and on my face and told me it would still make me ugly even if I dared to wipe it off and call myself beautiful. What am I supposed to do with that?
They told me that I was the problem for being honest and for making them look bad. They threatened to hurt me for caring about myself and about how other people were being treated by bullies, such as themselves. They told me that they would never apologise even if they had to see me burn first. What am I supposed to do with that?
They told me I was a witch and that they refused to ever leave me alone even if they had to kill me first. What am I supposed to do with that?
They kicked me, punched me, pinched me, scratched me, slapped me, spat at me and stripped me of all my clothing. They raped me, they burnt me, they ran me over with their own body weight and with their toys, with my own bike that they could barely fit on; Then with their own bikes; With their boots and with their heels and with their partners and groups of friends and communities of extended strangers that they acquainted with for the day and for the night that they called their loving family and friends. What am I supposed to do with that?
They celebrated what they did and then they drugged and injured my head to force me to forget all about it. Then I saw them again at school, at the supermarket, at the doctors, at the park, on the streets, on my way home from school; Back when I was too small to walk the other way and had to smile through the pain. Then I saw them at the place I worked at when I grew to be a teenager and a woman; When I had forgotten who they were but had always had a bad feeling about them and chose to avoid them “just in case”. I saw them at the university I studied at miles away from home, in the night whilst I was asleep and forced awake from my sleep and pinned down for them to repeat again the tyranny of abuse because they are stuck being themselves; Ashamed and psychopathic. When I tried to report it to the police I was told there wouldn’t be much point because they don’t have any evidence. What am I supposed to do with that?
They kept tabs on me even when I moved to the other side of the world and were still abusing me with their extended family and friends in the new community in which they did not live; But that I did live in. I was abused again and lied to by people who I thought were my own friends; Who helped them to access me before I was again forced to forget what happened to me and most years of my life before that even if it meant also stealing from me my own life and the good parts of my life that helped me through the blackness. What am I supposed to do with that?
I’ve finally remembered who some of them are; The ones who showed their faces anyway. I’ve even remembered best friends who were also victims of the same abuse at the hands of the same people. I forgot they existed, even if we were best friends for more than five years as children. I’ve even remembered my grandparents who I no longer saw after I was eight years of age; I was told they were all then dead. The memories I have prove to be different to what those perpetrators told me. The image I was forced to have of those grandparents as a child is no longer cakes and smiles. They were just as psychopathic as those other perpetrators chose to be. What am I supposed to do with that?
Every time I think of a solution I’m reminded again of why I have been forced to live oppressed… violence against women, girls and children is not oppressed. Perpetrators are protected by the patriarchy. Then I ask myself again, what am I supposed to do with that? How can I give myself a better life if I am not allowed to protect myself? How can I give myself a better life if I am constantly injured and abused? How can I give myself a better life if I am not listened to? How can I give myself a better life if I am called a liar or shut down for telling the truth? How can I give myself a better life if the system in place to help people like me is poisoned with patriarchy? How can I give myself a better life if men don’t want me to live a better life? even though I decide my life and my body has nothing to do with them, because I don’t want anything to do with them?
Patriarchy is war. Patriarchy is genocide. Patriarchy is rape. Patriarchy is violence against women, girls and children. Patriarchy is hate. Patriarchy is deceit, lies and blame. Patriarchy is non stop violence, exploitation and oppression. Patriarchy is misogyny. Patriarchy is poverty, segregation and apartheid. Patriarchy isn’t “all men” but it is mostly men, for the benefit of men. Only men want patriarchy. Women, girls and children are oppressed to survive through it.
What am I supposed to do with that?
© Lois Christina
They nailed the target to my heart and to my limbs and told me it wouldn’t stop them from firing even if I was bleeding out. What am I supposed to do with that?
They shouted at me and wrote horrible words all over my tongue and on my face and told me it would still make me ugly even if I dared to wipe it off and call myself beautiful. What am I supposed to do with that?
They told me that I was the problem for being honest and for making them look bad. They threatened to hurt me for caring about myself and about how other people were being treated by bullies, such as themselves. They told me that they would never apologise even if they had to see me burn first. What am I supposed to do with that?
They told me I was a witch and that they refused to ever leave me alone even if they had to kill me first. What am I supposed to do with that?
They kicked me, punched me, pinched me, scratched me, slapped me, spat at me and stripped me of all my clothing. They raped me, they burnt me, they ran me over with their own body weight and with their toys, with my own bike that they could barely fit on; Then with their own bikes; With their boots and with their heels and with their partners and groups of friends and communities of extended strangers that they acquainted with for the day and for the night that they called their loving family and friends. What am I supposed to do with that?
They celebrated what they did and then they drugged and injured my head to force me to forget all about it. Then I saw them again at school, at the supermarket, at the doctors, at the park, on the streets, on my way home from school; Back when I was too small to walk the other way and had to smile through the pain. Then I saw them at the place I worked at when I grew to be a teenager and a woman; When I had forgotten who they were but had always had a bad feeling about them and chose to avoid them “just in case”. I saw them at the university I studied at miles away from home, in the night whilst I was asleep and forced awake from my sleep and pinned down for them to repeat again the tyranny of abuse because they are stuck being themselves; Ashamed and psychopathic. When I tried to report it to the police I was told there wouldn’t be much point because they don’t have any evidence. What am I supposed to do with that?
They kept tabs on me even when I moved to the other side of the world and were still abusing me with their extended family and friends in the new community in which they did not live; But that I did live in. I was abused again and lied to by people who I thought were my own friends; Who helped them to access me before I was again forced to forget what happened to me and most years of my life before that even if it meant also stealing from me my own life and the good parts of my life that helped me through the blackness. What am I supposed to do with that?
I’ve finally remembered who some of them are; The ones who showed their faces anyway. I’ve even remembered best friends who were also victims of the same abuse at the hands of the same people. I forgot they existed, even if we were best friends for more than five years as children. I’ve even remembered my grandparents who I no longer saw after I was eight years of age; I was told they were all then dead. The memories I have prove to be different to what those perpetrators told me. The image I was forced to have of those grandparents as a child is no longer cakes and smiles. They were just as psychopathic as those other perpetrators chose to be. What am I supposed to do with that?
Every time I think of a solution I’m reminded again of why I have been forced to live oppressed… violence against women, girls and children is not oppressed. Perpetrators are protected by the patriarchy. Then I ask myself again, what am I supposed to do with that? How can I give myself a better life if I am not allowed to protect myself? How can I give myself a better life if I am constantly injured and abused? How can I give myself a better life if I am not listened to? How can I give myself a better life if I am called a liar or shut down for telling the truth? How can I give myself a better life if the system in place to help people like me is poisoned with patriarchy? How can I give myself a better life if men don’t want me to live a better life? even though I decide my life and my body has nothing to do with them, because I don’t want anything to do with them?
Patriarchy is war. Patriarchy is genocide. Patriarchy is rape. Patriarchy is violence against women, girls and children. Patriarchy is hate. Patriarchy is deceit, lies and blame. Patriarchy is non stop violence, exploitation and oppression. Patriarchy is misogyny. Patriarchy is poverty, segregation and apartheid. Patriarchy isn’t “all men” but it is mostly men, for the benefit of men. Only men want patriarchy. Women, girls and children are oppressed to survive through it.
What am I supposed to do with that?
© Lois Christina
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