I'm here but I'm not,
I feel everything and nothing at the same time,
I'm starving but I'm not hungry.
I'm lazy but still busy both physically and Mentally,
Sleepless nights turn to naps that become even more exhausting...
Sleepless nights turn to small naps here and there, with dreams that bring only terror.
Chores that are not done,
Important calls that need to be made,
Places to go and appointments that are missed.
I lay here day in and day out,
Just surviving not even living.
Hoping,
Praying,
Wishing.
The one 'thing' I want,
I know I can't have,
And that one 'thing', just so happens to be you.
I just want to hold you...
To feel your little arms wrap around my kneck once again,
To have you pull me by my hand and lead me to wherever you want to go.
In the kitchen to show me your spoons and frying spatula,
On the couch watching your favorite episode of Mickey Mouse,
Outside holding my hand asking "can we go pickin' berries mommy?".
To smell your still so delicate 'baby smell' as I am engulfed in the cheerful angelic sound of the laughter of a happy baby boy with his mother.
The sound of your voice carries itself through my ears every second of everyday.
I quiver when I hear the sound of another child's laughter or cries,
because everytime I hear you...
I hear the pain in your voice of when you realize, mommy has to go home and you have to stay with nana.
I tremble in happiness and laughter when I think I've finally gotten the chance to hold you, only to awake and find out it was all just a dream...
I open my eyes gasping for air,
dazed and confused wondering what happened,
and then the flashbacks of you hit me like the waves of the ocean crash onto the rocky shore.
I am happy with the memories, but its just so agonizing, suffocating and like a false reality of some kind.
I keep thinking 'this isn't real',
'Just wait a little longer',
'He's going to remember and know who you are',
Or at the least I hope you do my son.
I miss when you would try pulling all the dishes from the dishwasher as I was loading it with dirty ones, you laughing and giggling, me sighing in frustration and adoration and smiling like there's no tomorrow.
I never thought I'd miss the moments of me being overwhelmed and exhausted on the nights you just didn't want to sleep or couldn't, but here I am,
Missing Every. Single. Moment.
A piece of me...