I'm here but I'm not,
I feel everything and nothing at the same time,
I'm starving but I'm not hungry.
I'm lazy but still busy both physically and Mentally,
Sleepless nights turn to naps that become even more exhausting...
Sleepless nights turn to small naps here and there, with dreams that bring only terror.
Chores that are not done,
Important calls that need to be made,
Places to go and appointments that are missed.
I lay here day in and day out,
Just surviving not even living.
Hoping,
Praying,
Wishing.
The one 'thing' I want,
I know I can't have,
And that one 'thing', just so happens to be you.
I just want to hold you...
To feel your little arms wrap around my kneck once again,
To have you pull me by my hand and lead me to wherever you want to go.
In the kitchen to show me your spoons and frying spatula,
On the couch watching your favorite episode of Mickey Mouse,
Outside holding my hand asking "can we go pickin' berries mommy?".
To smell your still so delicate 'baby smell' as I am engulfed in the cheerful angelic sound of the laughter of a happy baby boy with his mother.
The sound of your voice carries itself through my ears every second of everyday.
I quiver when I hear the sound of another child's laughter or cries,
because everytime I hear you...
I hear the pain in your voice of when you realize, mommy has to go home and you have to stay with nana.
I tremble in happiness and laughter when I think I've finally gotten the chance to hold you, only to awake and find out it was all just a dream...
I open my eyes gasping for air,
dazed and confused wondering what happened,
and then the flashbacks of you hit me like the waves of the ocean crash onto the rocky shore.
I am happy with the memories, but its just so agonizing, suffocating and like a false reality of some kind.
I keep thinking 'this isn't real',
'Just wait a little longer',
'He's going to remember and know who you are',
Or at the least I hope you do my son.
I miss when you would try pulling all the dishes from the dishwasher as I was loading it with dirty ones, you laughing and giggling, me sighing in frustration and adoration and smiling like there's no tomorrow.
I never thought I'd miss the moments of me being overwhelmed and exhausted on the nights you just didn't want to sleep or couldn't, but here I am,
Missing Every. Single. Moment.
A piece of me stays with you everytime I'm aloud to come visit,
and it doesn't find its way back.
I lose more of me when I have to walk out of that front door holding only a pair of keys,
a phone, sunglasses, and cigarettes.
I Break Completely, And Souley At The Sound Of Your Cries When You Realize I'm No Longer In The Room.
Just as I step outside of the door I stand and listen to your pain and frustrations.
I stand and listen to your cries,
The soul tourchering screams with the words 'where's mommy' and 'mommy no, please!'...
And so I stand and listen because the pain of hearing you lose your breath, to the unbearable pain of not knowing why I'm not still with you,
It hurts me,
It rips me apart piece by piece in every way humanly possible...
I have to force myself to walk away from the door that has losing your mind behind it.
Every.
Time.
I feel as if I deserve the pain of hearing you like that,
And so that's why I stand and listen until I can no longer hold my bodily composure from the shaking,
The crying, and heaving breaths...
And then,
I get in the vehicle and I drive away.
Away from you, away from everything I've ever known and ever so lastingly love.
I blast music so loud it pierces my eardrums,
I drive so fast and wreckless I scare even myself;
But that fear of losing control doesn't scare me,
So I continue to become more and more wreckless.
My thoughts go from screaming,
To whispers from the Reaper asking to come and pay his visit,
To asking myself if losing my life is really worth it,
To realizing how you would feel as you grew older without a mother...
The agonizing reminisce sets in and I watch the speedometer slowly drop back down to speed limits,
The vehicle becomes quiet.
As I take my thoughts and feelings, to the man above in pleading prayer.
I leave the music blaring loud, so I can't hear myself scream at God,
Asking 'Why?' and trying to figure out what I done that was so wrong,
To have the woman that's supposed to be my mother take the one purpose I have for breathing.
So I yell,
Scream,
Punch the dash of the vehicle and everything around me.
Asking,
Begging,
Pleading even.
For an answer,
A sign,
Anything.
I listen and listen some more,
Only to hear the sound of my music and my wheezing heavy chest as I take each breath...
The hopelessness and feeling of being completely lost without you hits me,
And it hits me,
It hits me like Cane hit Abel with the rock so long ago.
I lose my thought prosccess and zone out into the focus of driving and where I have to go to get to my destination,
I feel empty,
Numb,
Done...
So I play our songs,
The ones you used to smile and cry to when I sang them to you.
I whisper to myself over and over until it's the only thought I have left in my mind,
'You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine'...
And the hope of being with you later on in life, splits through the cracks of the black nothingness that's taken me over in misery.
Your face,
Your smile,
Your laugh and cries,
all fill my head with some form of hope.
Your words,
Your gentle touch of a hug and hand hold,
Your grin and arms wrapped around me feel almost real,
And so I hope.
I hope that you make it through the times I'm not with you and you're not with me,
I hope for the reasoning behind knowing that one day I'll have you back in my arms,
I hope looming forward to the time I'm going to get to spend with you in the future.
I hope,
Because it's literally all I can do.
And when the next time I get to visit comes around,
this whole story begins all over again...



© All Rights Reserved