I am tired of pretending.
My head and heart can't take it.
All I think about is how I am failing.
How my life is going nowhere soon.
Why can't I ignore all the negativity?
What lesson am I not learning?
Can't I just be okay again?
Can't I just be myself again?

I am not okay.
I haven't been okay for a very long time.
It eats at me every day.
The thought of you leaving me.
All because I can't find my way.
I don't want to leave you doing it all by yourself.
I am trying all the time to get myself through the hardships.
I wish I could just pause time.
I need to think.
I can't think without silence.

I am not okay with how I have gotten not very far.
It's depressing how close I thought I was.
Have I missed something important?
Am I just to live with my failures?
To live with what I am short in?
I just want to be where I want to be.
I wish I could just be there.


© The Writings of Jeanne Carlson