So, it was a shiny morning
my heart filled with joy and laughter
Well I was just watching some comedy
and inside my tummy was all the haha's
It's afternoon now I had searching some psychological stuff
to ease my mind of bad behaviors
All the shouting, anger, frustration, disappointment, crying
forcing myself on others
It has not only taken toll over people I love but also on me.

I receive all my answers to my wrong behaviors to me, to others ,
it's my biological father.
Every wrong habit I inherited, every anger issue I went through, every time I found myself in a bad relationship, every time I obsessed over someone else's reaction.
As if it was meant to dig knife in heart once more to make me bleed again
to open those unhealed scars so that when I die, I die deceased someone who dug their already deep grave even further
as to no light can ever touch me again.

Evening time and I am in mom's room I want to talk to her tell her about how badly I have been hurt.
But she is busy I go away dejected hurt even more.
Now I feel angrier in more pain, frustrated, even my mind not understanding where to find solace.
So I find solitude and it all calms down.
15mins later mom approaches me cause she understands something is wrong with.
She here to help me but I stab her in the heart not with knife but with words even worse.
All my insecurities, anger, frustration,confusion, pain all stumble out in the worst ways possible.


She is hurt but she won't say anything just pursues me to be happier still trying to know what's wrong with me.


The thing wrong with me
well I have been abused by my biological father, but she has been too and so has my brother.
well my heart has been hurt at least a million times
my mind smushed to believing I am not worthy
also I have been degraded to feeling inferior than an insect.
BUT SO HAVE MY MOTHER AND BROTHER BEEN THROUGH TOO.

It's about to be night
I am sorry for myself but what I am even more sorry about is letting
the ghoulish darkness of that man actually not even man just a testosterone figure
turn my life to hell because
I have seen heaven : the smile my mother gives, idiotic jokes my brother makes, love that rejuvenates my heart to plump red.

This is not a night that is to be filled with darkness, sadness, pain or being miserable.
This is the night a except my pains, my challenges, my battles because I know
these will make me the strongest, most beautiful, most successful.

FOR ME, FOR MY MOM AND BROTHER =MY FAMILY.



© Vashitvaa