I was asked,
how are you feeling when you picture a life without your grandma here? 
   
Its like trying to be strong, then
buying a case of beer.

Its her asking when, shes gone to not let it change the woman
she sees im me.
Then realizing she's the woman God intended me to be.

Its like realizing your facing your biggest fear,
then wanting to dimminish everyday that comes near.

Its obsessively wondering what caused her sickness to come about,
then watching all of her hair fall out.

Its watching her health decrease,
then feeling selfish because you also just want her to have peace.

Its wanting to tell someone really how you feel,
but you know talking about it makes it that much more real.

Its wanting to talk to her about it, but then not knowing what to say.
Then lying to her face telling her i am okay.

Its depending on your friends to get through,
then realizing just how many of them are true.

Its like crying your self to sleep when your falling apart,
waking up in the morning for it all to restart.

Its like trying to do the simplest tasks without breaking down.
Its like watching every piece of you fall in the ground.

Its remembering every bad thing you said, an never letting that go off repeat inside your head.

  Its like not being able to get dressed, because your body is so depressed.

Its like not being able to get out of bed,
because you cant even get out of your own head..

Its reaching out for counseling so when shes gone you don't loose your sanity,
then being told its part of life, i loose all faith in humanity.

Its every morning going to pray,
then begging God every night for just one more day.

Its every day not knowing if it will be her last one.
Its feeling miserable an your days just begun.

Its constantly praying for the best,
but not knowing when you'll have to put her to rest.

Its like watching her ask you why should even try?
Then remembering everything she's ever done for you,
then explaining to her why.

Its watching her health deteriorate,
then crying till you hyperventilate.

Its realizing everything you've ever known you half to let go.
Its watching everything you love inside of her die slow.

Its remembering her in your best memories,
then realizing one day you can't make more.

It's literal pain you feel to the core.

Its wondering if she realized just how much you meant to her.
Then watching her mental state become a blurr.

Its fighting your feelings so she doesn't see you upset anymore,
then walking into the other room an bawling as soon as you close the door.

Its realizing how bad you feel now an you haven't even had to say goodbye,
then hoping when she is gone you don't want to die.

Its picturing the person you love the most in this world,

an never again having them here.

An if you ever wondered what that felt like,

I hope this letter made that clear.
© pretty.writes