One thing my parents taught me
is to never settle for anything less
'less I end up with a marriage like them

My father teaches me
to search for qualities he has
and avoid that man real fast

My mother taught me that
being alone is better than being
in a lifetime contact with
someone such as my father.

Being in this family has given me a long list of what not to do in order to have a healthy relationship.

To have a real family.

And so with those bulleted points I made my own.

In the form of my friends.
I had created a boundary,
I talk to them and listen.
Not just do all the talk.
I ask them what's wrong if I feel like they're not doing okay.
I give them things without them asking,
And not used it against them later on.

I told them I love them as frequent as I could.
I hug them because it gives a different kind of comfort.

Is it really that hard mom, dad?

I mean I don't want you telling me you're proud or something.
I just want you to be there.
Not only physically but also emotionally.
Not the kind of emotionally where you just dump me traumas but emotionally in way
You give me reasons to go on, just the positive stuff.

Because it seems all you just given me is
the fact that loneliness is better than having a connection with someone.

You have given me nothing.
And I mean it emotionally.
You have given me food, a roof under my head and a bed.
But ma, pa.
I feel nothing.

I don't want you to say you are proud of me.
I just want your affirmation that you love me.
That having me around is not a bother.
But it seems I'm asking for too much.
Because it's already clear on your facial expressions I am anything but a blessing.

I just want you to love me,
Is it that hard?
Am I just too hard to love?
That even as their child,
Even as my parents..

Am I that unlovable?
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it.

© Bashful