Mine,

I still exist but I exist alone. I walk but I walk alone. I talk but I talk alone.

Even when I do the aforementioned with other people, I feel I do them alone.

When it's daylight, I know my night has just been doubled. I prefer darkness for it understands me.

I still breathe but I hardly know its essence.

In here, a lot has changed. The thumps have stopped. I have failed to keep up with the appointment with my cardiologist.

When I take my pen to write, I could only make lines into figures that sadden me.

When I fall asleep, my eyes rest but I don't want that anymore for when my eyes rest, the rest of my body is thrown into unrest.

My mares appear so real. You whose voice used to be my lullaby is my worst nightmare now. With your back on me, I would want to touch you but I wouldn't be able to move a finger. I would resolve into calling you but my voice wouldn't form a sound.

I fear remembering the past. I don't want to remember any of it. I want to keep flowing like a river, never ever looking back.

I just want my years to spring as a cheetah springs or preferably fly with the wings of a peregrine falcon.

I was told of a man who could turn back the hands of time. He ended up being a psychologist  but he said my matter could easily be resolved by his friend and so he referred me to him. His friend ended up being a psychiatrist and he tried getting me a bed.

I am not deranged but no one believes me for when I talk into the air that it may convey my words to you, people look at me and shake their heads in pity. Who asks for their pity when I pity myself enough?

Why can we fast forward a movie on DVD and CD players but not our lives? If I could, I would love to. If ice could thaw, I should be able to dissipate.

I heard your mum is still in shock. I never visited her for who am I to? Your dad is back to work and your siblings, I wish you had one.

Your husband surprises me though. A widower who has remarried within two months of his wife's demise.

People do not know why I am like this because we didn't end up together despite growing up together. Your parents chose him over me and I suffer every bit of it. I told them before you left that I had gotten over you and I never wanted to meet you again.

I was at your wedding. I saw your smiles and I was content. Even though I wanted you to myself, I was happy that at last you found love with him. I was too fatuous to see behind the facade of your smiles.

You were the puppet of your parents, especially your mother. Now it's too late for her to regret.

I should have fought. I should have ran with you as you suggested but I thought love isn't just about two people. I learnt the truth the hardest way.

I thought you broke my heart but I was really the one who broke yours and broke you with it.

If only you still have a heart. You could forgive me. But it started with your heart failure and our beginning and everything collapsed.

Here is my last letter and let it be a harbinger.

If defying the rules of existence is the way out, let it be. Open your arms in expectancy.

Yours.

...
Thanks for reading 👍😊

© Imole Olusanya