⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
this is a poem about depersonalization and derealization

I feel fake
I feel unreal
I feel like an alien,
Like something out of this world
Because everyone around me is living their lives ,
Walking their dogs,
Making a sandwich,
Chatting on the phone.

And I'm walking around my empty house thinking
"Wow I'm tall"
But I'm not.
I'm thinking "I'm so small"
But I'm not.
I feel like I'm nothing but my eyes,
Floating around.
Maybe I'm imagining it all,
All this love all this war
All of this pain and joy and human emotions

And then I feel fake
I think, "maybe I'm not real"
Because clearly there is something separating us,
A pane of glass painted over
A black veil, covering my eyes like I'm getting married to death
And maybe I am.
Because I want to be here, now.
But I wonder who I am, where I'm going, where I've been
And I can't remember things that used to seem so special
My memories are bits and pieces of a puzzle I can't seem to solve and I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.

And it's stupid because I know I'm living
This isn't fake
It's not a simulation
This pain that I felt when they left me
The smile on my face when she held my hand
See that was real
But when I'm alone
That glass grows thick
I start to hover again
And I try to ground myself
But suddenly there's no ground beneath me

Because it's always when I'm alone
Or when he's yelling
Because I'm left with my head spinning and I feel my face go numb
And I wonder if it will always be like this
Because I've let myself learn not to feel
When the screaming in my head gets loud
And I yearn to be someone who doesn't know what this feels like
To turn a blind eye and not care
Because I don't know
But I'm drowning in the midst of this body that isn't mine and no one around me can see it

And I wonder
Will I always be this puzzle,
Separated with glass?
In a world that could make or break me,
Can't I stop feeling like a fake me?