Russian Roulette
“I love you” shouldn’t be a game of Russian Roulette,
You don’t get to load the gun when you drop those words, then ignore the pain or regret.
“I love you” shouldn’t be loaded into a chamber as a means to an end,
Spin the barrel just to see if the heart breaks or mends.
“You disappoint me but I Love You, so I’ll deal with it today,”
Ok, you think, that’s not so bad address the issue and continue on our way.
“I didn’t mean to call you lazy, dumb, or not enough…
You know I Love You but you make this so difficult, so tough.”
Unsure of how to take this you grab the gun, shoot, but fire off an empty round,
See, they hurt you with words but it wasn’t so bad because the I Love You’s came around.
“Your selfish and exhausting! Why can’t you just do what I say?”
“I don’t understand how you are so dumb! I tell you I Love You everyday!”
Glancing at the gun, should you pull the trigger once more?
Are you wrong because you notice the red flags that have shattered you before?
Having someone say “I love you” as a means to justify their ugly ways,
Is torture for the one recieving it, do they just accept it as part of a suicidal haze?
Working through issues, discussing personal ideas, thoughts, and beliefs,
Are all very much vital when planting the “I love you” seeds.
However, when one person is silenced, or ignored, or their feelings overlooked,
“I love you” can start to feel like a traitor, like deception by a smooth crook.
“You don’t know yourself at all! You refuse to listen to me!”
You remain silent but think, “yes I do know myself, I’ve lived with it for an eternity.”
You slink away, pick up the gun, hold it to your chest,
The empty chamber clicks, well they did say I love you, so they must know you best.
The confusion settles in, your doubts start to frusterate,
You have so many concerns but you just don’t know how to articulate.
You’ve tried talking rationally, tried addressing problems head on,
You made it clear you are working on self, not trying to string anyone along.
You said “I love you” because childlike wonder and amazement bubbled under your skin,
You expressed the words “I love you” because it just couldn’t be held in.
Yet throughout your life, one thing you seem to forget or ignore,
Is when others say “I love you” it comes with a cost, a demand, they always want more.
Not everyone is carrying your same pure heart inside of a damaged soul,
Not everyone accepts the light when they know darkness is lurking below.
“Look at what you made me do!” They scream and rant throughout the day,
“I Love You,, but you’re a mess! Now look who has to pay!”
Words are just as sharp as knives sometimes, people use their tongues as swords,
Personally, I’d like to find out now if this love will kill me or put me in a psych ward.
Grab the gun, spin the barrel as the thought of not knowing begins to suffocate you once more,
Release the trigger, and your breath, false alarm, they didn’t mean to hurt you, you are just over reactive and sore.
You then remember, when someone tells you they love you-you must certainly change all your ways for them,
They must be right, you are so damaged and broken, because they have told you they love you over and over again.
But confusion sneaks back in, because when you say “I love you” you are true and genuine,
So why, when someone tells you they love you, you are reminded of all your sins?
Your version of “I love you” means “I accept you flaws and all,”
Your version of “I love you” means you will help them if they fall.
You don’t set up impossible boundaries or make people jump through hoops destined to fail,
Your version of “I love you” means you work on faults so everyone can prevail.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, the truth that people think so differently,
That sweet words like “I love you” can now spark uncertainty.
He grabs her by the arm, holding way to tight,
“Look at what you’ve done, you always start a fight!”
“I love you but you are so damaged, no one will ever love you like I will!”
Those words suck out your soul like a toxic poison, causes your heart to go still.
Then after contemplating how they are always right, you are forever wrong,
You place the gun to your chest and this time the bullet explodes with a noise as loud as a gong!
A sob escapes you as you realize- “I love you” should NOT come with a price,
And because “I love you” turns into Russian Roulette, you will always think twice.

© AvaPhoenix