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Stay away, come back, please stay
I’ve gotten so used to you being gone
To your name no longer showing up on my notifications, to your name staying inside of my mind instead of constantly slipping off of my tongue when I used to bring you up in every conversation
It’s been so long that my dreams and our past are the only things keeping your memory alive, the only pieces I have left of you
And on the days when I’m haunted by the knowing that I’ll never have you, I turn my music loud and try to distance myself from the part of me that, no matter what will always love you
And when that doesn’t work, I keep it in. I keep it locked away somewhere inside my chest. When I sleep, your face pours out of the cracks and breaths life into my chest
Rising and falling
Breathing you in and out
Until it’s the next morning and I wake up and I feel so great, and I wish it didn’t end and I hate that I don’t want it too. But I move on because what else can I do?
The thing is, I want what I thought you were. I want what I thought we were going to become. I want that feeling, but that idea, that image I had of you in my head wasn’t real.
God, I wish it was real.
Sometimes I wonder if it was.
It doesn’t matter anymore though, does it?
I’ve long acknowledged that you’ll never be in my life again and that it’s probably a good thing
It’s been so long and I just don’t want to waste my time thinking about you anymore
But on the days when I feel your absence in my chest, I think about how I’ll probably never feel that way for someone again. How I’ll have to settle for someone I love less.
You used to come around when it was convenient for you, in those short snippets where you wanted me too
And it hurt me so much, the repeating cycle of losing you.
It’s August now and the days are strangely bitter-sweet
A melancholy that both feeds and starves my heart
It’s as if the ghosts of past summers come rushing in
August reminds me of you.
I told you happy 19th
On august 15th
You told me thanks
And then you started talking to me
I waited for you to stop, for my message to be left on delivered or opened.
But you kept coming, it’s been two days now
Each thing you do, each thing that I never thought would occur again while I’m awake
Leaves an acid taste in my mouth and even though it burns, I like it.
Even though I know you’re just coming back to leave again
I want it
It would’ve been better had you left that you stayed away
It would’ve been so much easier if once you came back, you would stay.
~Ava Stevens
Aug. 17th 2023
To your name no longer showing up on my notifications, to your name staying inside of my mind instead of constantly slipping off of my tongue when I used to bring you up in every conversation
It’s been so long that my dreams and our past are the only things keeping your memory alive, the only pieces I have left of you
And on the days when I’m haunted by the knowing that I’ll never have you, I turn my music loud and try to distance myself from the part of me that, no matter what will always love you
And when that doesn’t work, I keep it in. I keep it locked away somewhere inside my chest. When I sleep, your face pours out of the cracks and breaths life into my chest
Rising and falling
Breathing you in and out
Until it’s the next morning and I wake up and I feel so great, and I wish it didn’t end and I hate that I don’t want it too. But I move on because what else can I do?
The thing is, I want what I thought you were. I want what I thought we were going to become. I want that feeling, but that idea, that image I had of you in my head wasn’t real.
God, I wish it was real.
Sometimes I wonder if it was.
It doesn’t matter anymore though, does it?
I’ve long acknowledged that you’ll never be in my life again and that it’s probably a good thing
It’s been so long and I just don’t want to waste my time thinking about you anymore
But on the days when I feel your absence in my chest, I think about how I’ll probably never feel that way for someone again. How I’ll have to settle for someone I love less.
You used to come around when it was convenient for you, in those short snippets where you wanted me too
And it hurt me so much, the repeating cycle of losing you.
It’s August now and the days are strangely bitter-sweet
A melancholy that both feeds and starves my heart
It’s as if the ghosts of past summers come rushing in
August reminds me of you.
I told you happy 19th
On august 15th
You told me thanks
And then you started talking to me
I waited for you to stop, for my message to be left on delivered or opened.
But you kept coming, it’s been two days now
Each thing you do, each thing that I never thought would occur again while I’m awake
Leaves an acid taste in my mouth and even though it burns, I like it.
Even though I know you’re just coming back to leave again
I want it
It would’ve been better had you left that you stayed away
It would’ve been so much easier if once you came back, you would stay.
~Ava Stevens
Aug. 17th 2023
