I've been struggling with depression
Since I was young.
I don't really know what age exactly.
Or what was the reason for it.
All I know is that the world would be better of without me.

I struggled with getting up,
whenever I awaken.
And I struggled falling asleep,
When it's time to sleep.

I've been closed off.
I often come out as an air-head.
One that is often stared off to space.

I also have some problems with expressing
my emotions, miainly affection and anger.
Because oftentimes it leads to tears falling.

When I cry, I cried hard.
I don't bother to remember the reasons,
because it's a rare chance for me to vent,
in a form of weakness.

However, I loved my mama so much.

When I heard that she's struggling with our
small store, even sick to the point of just wanting to passed out.

I'll get up wordlessly and go to her.
Tell her to take a nap, or I hope the message come across with no malice because of the frown of my face.

When I heard she's been coughing too painfully lately. I looked at her and search to my phone what's the remedy.

Giving it to her more like shoving it.
Didn't say anything else and go to her position in our store.

If I saw her struggling, I'll just stand beside or behind her and just say "Get up."
Waited for her to do so, and let me do the job.
"Quickly." Slightly raising my tone and instantly regretting it.

I wanna hug you so badly.
Tell you that in this world,
There's no one and nothing in this world
I loved more than you.

So to hear you saying that to me,
Hurts.
And the fact that it's supposed to be not heard by me.
Hurts.

I'm trying.
I'm trying so bad.
Please, I do really love you Ma.

© Bashful