I truly adore those people
Who happens to be close to you
Lots of shenanigans and weirdness
But when a fight breaks on
Acts like you don't know one another
And proceeds their day as if you are just a stranger

Then they can go on for days, even months
And when all is well
Acts like nothing happened
Like how to be you???

I mean
I kind of understand those people
They went through even worse stuff than I did

That's why I adore them
Because at such an early time
They are able to break through the depressive and anxious times

If only I could be like that
Then I wouldn't have to worry about what others think

I held on to the thought that I'm strong
But I'm starting to realize they were right

Crying isn't a sign of maturity or strength
Protecting yourself with or without hurting others is always a sign of pride
Overthinking is annoying to others, even loved ones
Bad times will always overshadow the good times
People... I can not find the right words to express my confusion towards these beings

Well
Not like there are people like me
But let me hold on to that thought as to feed my paranoia

I am often lead to a slope
Where I'd question my very being

I have been trying to stick with my own beliefs
That for as long as I cry when I feel genuine pain
Pain from anxiety or arguments or physical hurt
The heavy load will slowly drift away

But no

Years of doing so
Only added more load everytime it happens

What I did notice though
Is that that heavy load lightens
When you talk to someone
Who you trust with your life

But what happens when they leave?
I am left alone to fight for myself

I realized I am not the type of person who can fight alone
I like to be alone
But I don't want to be
And in the end
I am alone and ~lonely~

Well
It never mattered if I had someone to lean on anyways
That someone would just either leave or can't be approached at all during certain times

But why do I rely on others so much?

Because during the most intense times
Being adolescence
I don't understand what it's like to have at least one person next to you
Who actually still is that person up until now

I don't understand those moments
That this one person you trust
Trusts you with same amount as well
That you are the first person they think of
The first person they approach
Just simply the first person to them

I don't think I ever experienced that even with my //ex// best friends

I wonder how you guys feel

Even just for a day
I want to experience that

Oh to be an extrovert who actually finds decent friends
Or an introvert who doesn't happen to be a fat

I am often lead to believe
//Myself leads myself so~//
If you are an introvert
If you do not look appealing
Like being fat
If you have low self esteem
Like anyone is particular /[me]/
If you do not look attractive
Like lots of pimples and warts
If you do not fit to that criteria
Then you are never going anywhere

So cheers!
Don't want to involve you
But I'm sure at one point that's what you believe
Though hopefully you aren't as pessimistic as I am~ //please be and don't be worse either//

To add more

Mistakes
Intentional or unintentional
Are ~never~ allowed

If you make them
Then you will never get out of that hole
You jumped into
Thinking it was fine to dive in

Make the littlest mistake
And that moment will forever be stuck in your mind

Doesn't matter who they are
Doesn't matter what mistake they are
Whatever mistake
Whoever it is

You are already a nobody to them~

Well maybe not exactly you
But it is exactly me ᕙ (° ~ ° ~)

Even if they say I am not
I can't believe
I want to to
But I can't

Everyday is always another day of self loathing
So yeyy!

Cheers to the fresh start of mental and emotional healing that has no progress whatsoever!!!

Another!!
TMI!!!
This is the first time I hadn't eaten breakfast and lunch
But I think the food in my tummy since last night is feeding me
Should I continue this???

Also
This is the first time I felt emptiness after overthinking
I usually feel sadness everytime I go quiet from having that experience
But today
It is emptiness~
Though I am sure it will be sadness a little later
Is this normal???

And it's raining 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜
Yeyy!!

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