I thought if I slept in your bed last night
if I could get you to kiss me
cuddle me
that it would feel great
that it would be fine
and innocent-enough…
but of course that’s not all you wanted
you talked to me and got to know me and we found out we have a lot in common
but do we really?
not really…
I said yes because I didn’t know how to say no
I said yes because I wanted you to like me
I wanted to make you like me
I thought if I let you you’d fall for me more
but you hadn’t at all
you didn’t like me, I’m sure…
but I didn’t even like you either
I did it because I wanted to feel wanted
feeling wanted feels good
it makes me feel better about myself, like im pretty enough to be wanted and invites over, to be kissed and touched
which then makes me think if I get that I’ll feel like im enough
I’ll feel pretty
I’ll feel good
I’ll feel like im ahead in life
I just need to love myself
I saw a quote just now
it said, “do you actually want them or do you want them to chose you because you haven’t chosen yourself?”
and that’s exactly how I feel
how I felt
that’s exactly why I go after
settle for
fall for people easy
that’s why.
because they chose me
and it’s great because they chose me!
then they hurt me
because what really needs to happen for this cycle to end
is for me to chose myself, how do I chose myself?
…
when I don’t like what I see.
-Ava Stevens